


and you cooled my mind that burned with longing

by ellacj



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Pain, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-10-27 02:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 22,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20752562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellacj/pseuds/ellacj
Summary: After a year apart, Jane and Maura barely speak anymore. That is, until an invitation to Maura's engagement shower awakens things in Jane she didn't know were there.(slow slow slow burn, lots of yearning) (title comes from sappho fragment 48, tr. by anne carson)





	1. strangers

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends i'm back!!!! as per previous fics, this will be updated whenever i have the time to write it, so please don't go crazy on me if i'm slow to update - i'm doing my very best!! also as per previous fics, i'll have a song to pair with every chapter, so please go ahead and [give it a listen](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1A2Ci6CYPfSBKuTuvbVkn5?si=z8lIdmN6Sz-AbmmSMrZ-0g) to capture the full mood (honorable mentions found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4bDnUsOcKMcWWQAcktoL5t?si=6Cij7kJxROmpUC7Nm4XEzQ)). as always, i love love love reading your thoughts, so if you enjoy please leave a comment and let me know you're here!!!!
> 
> oh also, a list of canon things i'm changing bc lets face it canon post-s5 is garbage:  
-susie is still alive  
-kent doesn't exist  
-maura's husband from vegas doesn't exist  
-jack didn't move to new mexico and he & maura stayed together  
-maura is a certified bisexual and everyone knows about it
> 
> love always!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Strangers" by Fletcher

The Friday evening drive home is the worst part of Jane’s week. It’s too long, for one, the normal commuter traffic combining with tourists coming in for the weekend. For two, she’s exhausted. She had no idea how repetitive and, frankly, boring her instructor position was going to be. With such a vast number of students, the Academy managed to get each one into her classroom once a week. This means she teaches the exact same material, in two-hour blocks, three times a day for a week. Every single week. The last hour of her day is reserved for office hours, which generally split between students eagerly wanting to hear stories of her homicide days and male students desperate for one-on-one time with one of the few female instructors.

Jane sighs heavily as she finally veers onto the exit for home. It’s still a bit strange to think of her little Virginia apartment as home, despite the fact that she’s been here for over a year now. She’s settled in, sure, but she doesn’t get that same feeling of relief she does when she’s in Boston. She flicks the light on and drops her keys, automatically heading straight for the fridge to get a beer.

Her eye catches, as it always does, on the photo taped to the refrigerator door. It’s the only photo on it, and one of very few in the apartment. In it, Jane grins widely at the camera beside a puzzled Maura. She remembers the moment vividly.

_The two of them sit at Jane’s kitchen table, Maura’s first chapter in front of Jane and a stack of photos in front of Maura. Jane’s determination to avoid cameras is finally coming back to bite her, as none of the photos in the stack even have her in them. She sighs and turns a page in Maura’s novel, tensing as she feels Maura’s gaze on her. “Oh, you want me to keep reading this?”_

_Maura pouts. “Is it that awful?”_

_“No!” Jane grabs her hand without a second thought. “It’s great.”_

_“You’re only saying that because you’re my friend.”_

_“No, I would totally read this book… if there were more of it. Is there more of it?”_

_Maura frowns and pulls her hand back. “No, that’s it. One chapter.” She pauses and smiles. “But you really like it?”_

_“Yeah. I really do.”_

_Of course, as all their nice moments must be, it’s interrupted by the calls from headquarters. As Maura answers the phone, Jane crosses to her side of the table and snaps a photo of them, smiling wide while Maura just furrows her brow._

_“What was that for?” Maura whispers around her phone._

_“I’m taking a picture of us reading the first chapter of your bestseller!” Jane smirks. “You know, one I’m actually in.” She shifts her attention to the information coming through the phone, but she doesn’t miss the warm smile Maura flashes her._

Jane’s finger finds the edge of the glossy photo paper, tracing upward and around to the spot where she can see her arm draped around Maura’s shoulders. It was so easy back then. They were inseparable. Now, she’s racking her brain to remember the last time they even talked on the phone.

She cracks open her beer and tries to ignore that itch she always gets when she thinks about Maura. She can never scratch it. She nearly laughs out loud at herself. She’s Boston’s youngest and most decorated detective, but she can’t solve the mystery of how her best friend became… this. She’s just never quite realized how much their friendship depended on being constantly forced together by work. Without that, what are they?

It’s not that they didn’t try to stay close. If anything, they tried too hard. For the first few months, everything seemed fine. Maura visited when she could, they Skyped every other day, talking about Maura’s cases and Jane’s classes. But, somewhere along the way, Maura seemed to realize that hearing about the cases just made Jane miss home even more. So she stopped talking about them. From there it seemed they just kept running out of things to say. They started skipping Skype dates, postponing visits, even their phone calls ran few and far between.

By the time Frankie and Nina’s wedding rolled around last month, they were like strangers. Jane remembers sitting at the bar with Maura, both of them searching for something to say, ending up just sipping their drinks and waiting for someone to come and save them.

_“Hey,” Jane says with a soft smile._

_“Hi.” Maura scoots onto the barstool beside her and sets her drink down. “How are you?”_

_Jane shrugs. “Good. Still tired from the trip, though.”_

_“Are you here long?”_

_“Heading back first thing in the morning.”_

_Maura nods. She picks up her drink and takes a sip, looking expectantly at Jane._

_“Uh, how’s Jack?” Jane says after a moment. “He settling in okay at the Isles manor?”_

_“Yes, he and Allie are settling in perfectly well.” Maura presses her lips into a thin line, almost like she’s eaten something she didn’t care for. “Any new guys in Virginia?”_

_Jane laughs, and it’s the first genuine laugh she’s shared with Maura in a long time. For just a second, things feel like they’re normal again as she takes in Maura’s wide, unhesitating smile. “The Academy is a demanding lover,” she says. “No time for anyone else.”_

_Maura looks like she’s going to say something, but her attention is caught by something across the room. Following her gaze, Jane sees Jack waving to them. “I’d better go see what he wants,” Maura says with a gentle smile. She stands up and reaches out. Jane’s not sure whether she’s going for a hug or a handshake. Her hand lands on Jane’s shoulder and, with a gentle squeeze, she says, “It was really good seeing you, Jane.”_

_She’s halfway across the room before Jane can formulate a response._

Taking a large sip of her beer, Jane shakes the memory from her mind and focuses instead on working her way through the growing stack of mail on the counter. It’s accumulated over the past week of her being too tired to touch it. She sorts through bill after bill, throws out too many pieces of junk to count, separates out the pieces meant for her neighbor upstairs, and finally reaches the bottom of the stack. The last envelope gives her pause.

She’d recognize that gentle cursive handwriting anywhere.

Slowly, delicately, she opens the envelope and pulls out the stiff piece of cardstock inside. Her heart races as she takes in the words on the page.

_Join us to honor the engagement of_

_Dr. Maura Isles & Dr. Jack Armstrong!_

_Saturday, September 18th at 3:00pm_

_RSVP to Maura; Semi-formal wear is appropriate_

Jane almost drops the card, but her white knuckles hold tight. Maura hadn’t told her she was engaged. She hadn’t even mentioned she and Jack were discussing it. Jane’s stomach clenches at the thought of Maura drifting so far away she wouldn’t even think to call when she got the ring. She finishes off her beer in a few big gulps and pulls out her phone to check her work calendar. She may not have been the first to know, but she’ll die before she misses her best friend’s engagement shower.

If she can even call her that anymore.


	2. soap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Soap" by Melanie Martinez*
> 
> *i do not condone anything melanie martinez has done, nor do i endorse her as a person. i just like the song.

When Jane rolls out of bed the next morning, she’s convinced the invitation she received from Maura was all a dream. Deep down, she knows it’s not true, but she’s determined to believe it for as long as possible. She takes her time through her morning routine. She lingers in the shower a little longer, spends a few extra minutes combing through her wet curls, even digs out the jar of mousse Maura brought her almost a year ago and scrunches it into her hair just as Maura taught her.

When she finally makes her way to the kitchen, the offending letter is still sitting brazenly on the counter. Almost like it’s daring her to react. She doesn’t take the challenge. Forgoing breakfast, she grabs her keys and jogs down to her car, slamming the door maybe a little harder than necessary behind her, just to show the letter that she won’t let it win.

It’s Saturday, so of course she doesn’t have to work, but she can’t be in the house right now. One of the other instructors invited her to a brunch party at her house a few days ago. She politely declined at the time, but now she finds herself pulling onto Wendy’s street with a strange sort of determination not just to distract herself, but to actually bond with her colleagues. With one last deep breath, she goes up the driveway and knocks on the door.

“Jane!” Wendy greets her with a wide grin. “I thought you couldn’t make it.”

“Plans changed.” Jane shrugs. She follows Wendy inside. The place is nice, exactly what she’d expect from a senior instructor. The rest of the group is gathered in the kitchen. “Whoa,” she says, immediately reacting to the strong scent of alcohol. “Guess it’s 5:00 somewhere?”

Wendy laughs. “We do it every semester to celebrate wrapping up the first week of the new class. I swear, we’re not like this every weekend.” She picks up an empty glass from the decorated punch table and fills it, handing it to Jane.

Never one to pass up the opportunity to drink before noon, Jane gladly accepts the glass and takes a big gulp. It’s fruity, a bit too sweet; definitely not her usual taste, but surprisingly not bad. She finishes the drink and refills her glass before sitting down at the table with the other women.

The six women sitting at Wendy’s table, of course, represent the entire female portion of the Academy instructing staff. Jane always knew they were sorely outnumbered. However, there’s something about seeing them all here, at this one table, that makes it downright pitiful.

“So Jane,” Wendy says as she brings over a plate of food. “Are you settling into the routine by now? This is your second semester right?”

“Third.” Jane nods and runs her fingers around the rim of her glass. “And yeah, it’s good. I’m already starting to get a little sick of my material, though,” she adds with a short laugh. “How do you guys keep it fresh?”

Another woman laughs beside her. Melanie, maybe? Jane’s not great with names. “We don’t. I hear you on that. I’ve been sick of my material for eight years now.”

_Awesome_, Jane thinks. She takes another big sip. She can already tell that the little pieces of boredom that are bugging her now only have a matter of time before they turn into full blown resentment of her new career. Not for the first time, her mind wanders back into that uncertain place, and she finds herself thinking about Frankie and Nina. The only familiar faces left in homicide. She remembers Frankie mentioning his new partner, but she can’t pull a name from her foggy memory.

Already in dangerous territory, she’s not surprised when Maura drifts into her head. Jane pictures her piecing together the invitation that sits on Jane’s counter, on the phone for hours with a real live calligrapher all the way in Japan, all the while wearing a huge, sparkling white smile. Truthfully, she’s never seemed happier than she is now, with Jack. Without Jane.

“Excuse me,” she says, interrupting whatever Melanie is saying and standing up. “I have to…” she hurries outside, desperate for fresh air. She can feel eyes on her back as she leaves, but she ignores them.

She’s just the right amount of drunk to do something stupid, and just the right amount to know she’ll regret it tomorrow. But she has to do this. She has to get this out. She pulls out her phone and dials Maura’s number, her chest tightening even more with every ring. It cuts to Maura’s voicemail box. Jane almost laughs; of course she gets voicemail. Before she can decide whether or not to leave one, the tone sounds and the decision is made for her.

“Uh, hey,” she starts. “It’s me. Which you know. You have Caller ID.” _Already off to a great start_, she thinks. “Um, I just wanted to tell you I got the invitation for your party. I was really surprised. I didn’t know you and Jack were… getting that serious. Anyway, uh, I just wanted to tell you I’ll be there. And congrats. Okay, um, I’ll see you later. I-” the phone cuts her off before the words _love you_ can leave her lips.

Jane pockets her phone. She doesn’t go back inside quite yet. Her mind is racing, flashing images of all the people she left behind in Boston, always, _always_ circling back to Maura no matter how hard she tries to avoid it. She knows the distance between them is all her fault. She left the most important person in her life for boozy brunch and stale class material, and now she’s just lost. She’s just floating in this space without anyone around to ground her.

She doesn’t go back inside. She just gets in her car and goes straight home.


	3. i almost do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "I Almost Do" by Taylor Swift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter this time, a brief glimpse at maura's side of things. i know it's a lil slow so far - i promise next chapter we'll get the ball rolling and things will get Juicy!!!!

Maura’s house has never felt so full. She wakes up to a head on the pillow beside her, and she never thought she’d have the privilege of being surrounded by a child’s laughter on all sides. Jack is as sweet as a man can be, making her breakfast in bed, kissing her before she goes to work, all the things a live-in boyfriend should be. No, not boyfriend. _Fiancé_. She smiles as she continues to pack her things into her purse. She can hear Jack and Allie in the other room, their voices muffled, but still a comfort.

For years, the house has felt too big, too empty for just her. She was thrilled to have Angela stay for as long as she did. The nights when Jane would stay late, spend the night, and the three of them would stay up drinking and laughing all through the night, those were the best nights. Those were the nights when her house felt full.

And now it’s full again, never a lonely moment anymore. She grabs her bag off the counter and goes into the living room where Jack and Allie are talking. “I’m headed out,” she says, smiling down at Allie.

“Have a good day.” Jack kisses her, and it’s all soft and gentle and completely domestic.

It’s sunny out, and for a moment she wishes she didn’t agree to come in on a weekend. Just as she’s getting into her car, her phone rings from its stand on her dashboard. Jane’s photo flashes on screen, the most she’s seen of her since Frankie and Nina’s wedding, and she’s frozen in place for just a second. She knows Jane must have received her invitation by now. That’s probably why she’s calling. Maura reaches for the phone, but stops before she can press _Accept_. She doesn’t have the first clue what Jane’s reaction is.

The decision is made for her, and the call is sent to voicemail. Maura sits and stares until the phone pings again to tell her she has a new voicemail message. She opens it before she can stop herself.

“Uh, hey.” Jane’s voice sounds shaky on the voicemail. Already, Maura’s heart is racing. “It’s me. Which you know. You have Caller ID. Um, I just wanted to tell you I got the invitation for your party. I was really surprised. I didn’t know you and Jack were… getting that serious. Anyway, uh, I just wanted to tell you I’ll be there. And congrats. Okay, um, I’ll see you later. I-” the message ends, effectively cutting off the end of Jane’s sentence, and Maura finds herself desperately trying to fill in the gaps. _I miss you. I hate you. I wish you would call more._

Maura knows she should have told Jane first. They’re supposed to be best friends; best friends tell each other when they get engaged. But every time she thought about it, she couldn’t find the words. She just couldn’t picture herself celebrating with Jane the way they used to.

Even though neither of them will admit it, there’s a distance between them that’s only grown wider over the past year. She remembers how close they were when Jane was in Boston. They shared everything. Even after she left, they still talked constantly, Maura came to visit, and it was perfect.

Maura remembers the first time she decided not to call Jane. They’d just broken a case thanks to Frankie’s excellent instinct (he really did take after his sister in the “listening to your gut” department). Maura pulled out her phone, halfway through dialing Jane’s phone number, but she stopped herself. She remembered Jane’s face the last time they’d talked about a case. There was a longing in her eyes; a sorrow Maura hadn’t seen before. It was the first time Maura saw how much Jane missed home.

And it made her realize how much she truly missed Jane.

It became so hard after that, to talk to Jane. Every time she heard Jane’s voice or saw her pixelated face on her phone screen, it just made the pain fresh again. It just made her heart break all over again. So she stopped calling. And, somewhere along the way, the pain started to dull. What was once a pain equal to a laceration through a primary artery is now more like a dermal hematoma, only stinging when something rolls over it. She sighs out loud. She’s always made sense of her world through science. But this… this isn’t quite the same. There’s no making sense of this.

Maura turns the key in the ignition, her car sputters to life. Some things never change. Her drive to work, for one. Eight years now, and it’s exactly the same as it’s always been. She turns the corner onto the main road. She should call Jane back. She will, she promises herself, as soon as she figures out what to say.

And God knows how long that will take.


	4. upper west side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Upper West Side" by King Princess

The next weekend, still not having heard from Maura, Jane spends seven hours on the road to Boston. She leaves straight from work on Friday and speeds as much as she can, barely making it to Tommy’s by midnight. This, of course, means she’s completely exhausted the next day at Maura’s party. She walks in with Tommy and TJ (who quickly abandon her for the photo booth), taking in the room, trying her best to keep her face neutral, but God it’s hard when the whole room screams with privilege.

Maura’s always been rich; that’s just a fact. But she’d never been obnoxious about it. It’s what made Jane like her in the first place. This, however, is the complete opposite of that. Every wall is lined with silver-framed photos of Maura and Jack, there’s crystals on every table, and the champagne bottles are literally crusted with diamonds. It takes all of Jane’s self-control not to roll her eyes.

“Jane,” someone says behind her. She turns around to see Jack standing there, wearing a winning smile. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

Jane forces a smile to match his and stiffly accepts his hug. “Yeah, me too.” She glances around the room. Maura is conspicuously far across the room, her back turned as she talks to Susie. “Congratulations.”

“She’s just making the rounds.” Jack must have noticed her staring at Maura. “Here, I’ll get her. Hon,” he calls, waving her over.

When Maura turns around, Jane feels her chest tighten. She offers a tiny wave as Maura comes over. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Maura pulls her into a hug, somehow even more awkward than Jack’s. “I’m really glad you’re here. I was worried you wouldn’t come.”

Jane frowns. “Why wouldn’t I come?”

“I just… I know you’re probably busy at work.”

“Maura, I don’t care how busy I am, I’m not missing my best friend’s engagement party.”

Maura smiles, but it’s not the same as before. She used to smile at Jane with sparkling eyes and the sun between her teeth, as though they were everything, as though nothing else mattered. This just feels hollow. “I’m sorry, I have to make sure I talk to everyone. Please, have some champagne. The hors d’oeuvres will be out soon.” She loops her arm through Jack’s and drags him off with her, leaving Jane alone once more.

She watches Maura and Jack move around the room, always physically connected in some way – holding hands, an arm on the shoulder, a hand on the waist – as though without the anchor they’ll drift away from each other. It’s strange. With everyone else Maura has dated, Jane has always been able to find something off about them. Some weird thing she knew Maura would fuss over and worry about until she inevitably broke it off.

But Jack is different. It’s not that there’s anything objectively _wrong_ with Jack. It’s more that there’s something not quite right about him smiling on Maura’s arm. Jane can’t quite place her finger on it, but she knows he doesn’t belong there.

She shakes her head and turns away, unable to fixate on it any longer without driving herself crazy. She finds Frankie and crosses the room to talk to him. “Hey, brother,” she says, pulling Frankie into a hug.

He grins and pats her back as he pulls out of the embrace. “You look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I just mean you look tired,” he amends. “Late drive?”

Jane sighs. “Yeah, I didn’t get in until about midnight. Didn’t help that I left right after a full work week, either.”

“I hear that.”

Jane catches sight of Maura out of the corner of her eye, and turns to see Maura looking straight at her. Just for a second. She blinks, and suddenly Maura’s turned back to her mother, and Jane’s questioning if she really saw it at all.

“Uh, Jane?” Frankie follows her gaze. “You okay?”

“Yeah, why?” Jane blinks a few times and turns back to him.

“I know you guys haven’t been as close as you used to be.”

Jane sighs. “Frankie, it’s fine. Really. Friends grow apart all the time; it just happens.”

“Not you guys.” He smirks. “You guys never went anywhere without each other. Guys in the Drug Unit used to joke that you were like a married couple or something.”

Jane laughs as the memory. She heard that kind of talk all the time at BPD. It never fazed them; just made them laugh and grow even closer. “Remember how Frost used to have a crush on me when we first became partners?”

“Ha. Poor guy.”

“Apparently Maura did, too. He told me once after a few too many.” Jane grins. She feels her eyes moistening, as they always do when she talks about Frost, but she keeps going. “He said they used to talk about me when he’d go down to the morgue. He even put up with the dead bodies just to gossip.”

Frankie laughs out loud. “God, I miss the guy.” He clears his throat. “But, I can’t say I’m surprised. You ever ask her about it?”

“Nah. It’d just embarrass her.”

“If you ask me, Maura’s crush never went away.”

Jane frowns. “What?”

“She followed you around like a puppy. Did whatever you wanted.”

“Yeah, so did I. That’s what best friends do.”

Frankie raises his eyebrows. “Maybe she’s not the only one with a crush.”

“Shut up.” Jane rolls her eyes. Across the room, she spots waiters entering the event hall with trays of food. “If you’re done, I’m gonna get some tiny expensive appetizers.” Without waiting for a response, she crosses the room and looks through the trays.

One holds what looks like some sort of shrimp, one has something with far too many vegetables, and all of them probably cost more than Jane’s monthly salary. She’s almost afraid to take one. She settles on the shrimp, finishing the whole thing in one bite, and settling in at her table to watch the scene before her. Frankie’s words keep echoing in her head. There’s no way Maura’s crush lasted more than a few months; she would have said something. Plus, she’s getting married. So, obviously, whatever it was is over now.

She watches Maura kiss Jack, his hand on her hip, and something stirs in her stomach. It’s the same feeling she always gets when she sees Maura with one of her boyfriends. She’s protective of her best friend; of course no guy could earn her approval. Still, Frankie’s voice pops back in her mind. _Maybe she’s not the only one with a crush_.

She finds herself mentally cycling through her entire friendship with Maura. She doesn’t know what she’s looking for; any moment that proved him wrong. Or right. She’s not sure. Sure, they spent a lot of time together, they stocked each other’s favorite foods at their homes, and occasionally shared a bed. Lots of best friends did that. Her heart starts to race as she continues deeper into memories.

There were a few moments in Paris, staring at Maura against a twinkling backdrop of stars, that Jane had an almost rabid urge to kiss her. Of course, she’d just chalked it up to being in the city of love with no lover to speak of. A desire for desire, projected on the only person close enough to catch it. But something deep inside her now is starting to realize that’s not it at all.

_Oh my God_, she thinks. _I might actually be in love with Maura_. Now that she admits it, she can’t believe it took her this long, this much distance to realize. And now it’s too late. Not only is Maura marrying someone else, but now even their friendship is barely hanging by a thread. Jane’s stomach clenches as she realizes she might have really lost Maura for good this year. She watches Maura lean in to kiss Jack again, and this time she has to close her eyes. She wishes she could go back to five minutes ago, before Frankie dug all this up for her.

Why do brothers have to ruin everything?


	5. save part of yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Save Part of Yourself" by Brandi Carlile

As the party starts to wind down, Jane starts to move toward the door. Of course, the fact that no one has seen her in a month makes that difficult; everyone is clamoring for her attention, and she almost feels like she’s stealing Maura’s thunder.

Just as she’s finally making it to the exit door, she feels a hand on her arm. She turns around to see Maura staring back at her. “Uh, hey.”

“Can I talk to you? Just for a minute.”

“Yeah, what’s up?” Jane’s heart leaps into her throat. With the rockiness of their relationship lately, she has no idea if Maura is pulling her aside to apologize, to yell at her, or something completely out of left field. She follows Maura out of the event space and into the hallway where the bathrooms are located. Her palms are sweating. She rubs them on her dress, thankful that Maura has her back turned so she doesn’t notice.

They come to a bench, and Maura sits down, indicating Jane should join her. By now, Jane’s anxiety has reached ridiculous levels. She has no idea what’s coming. “So, what’s up?” she asks with a shaky smile.

“I wanted to talk to you about your responsibilities as maid of honor. I know you’re busy, so I don’t need a lot from you. I just-”

“Wait.” Jane cuts her off. “You still want me to be your maid of honor?”

Maura tilts her head in confusion. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

Jane lets out a short laugh and shakes her head. Of all the things she was expecting, this was absolutely not it. “Maura, you didn’t call me when you got engaged.” She sighs. “You didn’t even call me back when I called to say congrats.”

There’s a long silence. Maura’s bottom lip slips between her teeth. It’s strange. After all this time and distance between them, Jane still knows how to spot all of Maura’s nervous ticks. Any second now, her fingers will fly to her lips, and her eyes will flick away, and back to Jane, and away again. Jane watches as Maura does exactly that. It’s almost comforting to know she’s still the same person Jane used to know so well. And maybe she still knows her. Maybe she hasn’t changed as much as Jane thought.

“I’m sorry,” Maura says finally. “I know I should have called.”

“It’s not just that.” Jane moves slightly closer on the bench. Her hands itch to grab Maura’s, but she tries to ignore them. “You haven’t called me at all since the wedding.” She rolls her hands in her lap. “And I haven’t, either.”

“Things aren’t the same as they used to be.” Maura’s hand moves from her lips to tugging at the ends of her hair.

“They haven’t been for a while,” Jane sighs. “Not since Paris.” She glances away as she finds herself spiraling into a memory.

_On the balcony of their apartment, Jane can see the entire city lit up at night. She’s taken to coming out here just before sunset each night to watch the lights come on. She glances behind her, sees Maura still at her writing desk typing away, and smiles to herself. She loves the look Maura gets on her face when she’s really in the zone. It’s the same look she gets when they’re deep in a case, when she finds the killer piece of evidence that solves the whole puzzle._

_Jane turns back to her view with a contented sigh. The past three weeks have been some of the happiest of her life, and it’s all because of Maura. Even now, the moments when she’s sitting by herself out on the balcony, she’s never been happier._

_The door slides open behind her, and Maura slips outside to stand beside Jane. “I finished it.” She holds out a paperclipped stack of paper with a wide grin. “The last chapter.”_

_“Oh my God.” Without hesitation, Jane pulls Maura into a tight hug. “Congratulations, Maur,” she murmurs in Maura’s ear. “You’re amazing.”_

_Maura pulls out of the hug, still wearing the same sparkling, dimpled smile. “Aren’t you going to read it?”_

_Jane takes the pages and sets them down on the patio table. “Later.” She rests a hand on Maura’s back and guides her to lean on the railing that faces out to the city, where some of the buildings are starting to flicker to life. “Watch the lights come on with me, first.”_

_Maura slides close to Jane’s side. “I’m going to miss this city so much when we leave.”_

_“Me, too. I can’t believe we only have four more days here.”_

_“But the book is done now. The rest of our time here is just ours.” Maura sighs and leans her head on Jane’s shoulder. Without her heels on, she’s the perfect height to do so. “I’m sorry I’ve spent all of our time on that.”_

_“Hey.” Jane rests her head on Maura’s head and slides her hand across the railing to grip Maura’s. “Maur, you’re amazing. You wrote a whole book in just a few weeks. Who else could do that but you?”_

_“Jane-”_

_“No. Don’t apologize. I’ve had the best time here with you.” Jane squeezes Maura’s hand. “Have I told you I’m so, ridiculously proud of you?”_

_Maura laughs softly. “Not today, you haven’t.”_

_“Well, good thing there’s still some time left in the day.” Jane smiles and presses a soft kiss to the top of Maura’s head. “I am all sorts of proud of you, Maura. You do all these crazy things I could never even dream of.” She snakes her arm around Maura’s waist and squeezes her tightly. “I love you so much.”_

_“I love you, too.”_

_As they stand there together, the Eiffel Tower springs to life in the distance, tall and strong and endlessly glittering._

“What changed?” Maura asks, ripping Jane out of memory and back into the present. “And don’t say it’s because you moved. I know it’s more than that.”

Jane sighs heavily. She knits her fingers together in her lap. “I think we both… stopped trying.”

“I think you’re right.”

“So.” Jane braces herself. She can’t believe what she’s about to say next. “What kind of dress are you gonna have me wear?”

Maura’s eyes go wide and she grabs Jane’s hand, not seeming to realize how long it’s been since they even touched at all. “You’ll do it?”

Jane smiles, even though her heart is in her throat. “Yeah. Of course I will.” She barely has time to finish the sentence before Maura’s pulled her into a full hug, squeezing her so tightly she can’t even move her arms.

“Thank you so much, Jane. You don’t know how much it means to me.”

“You know I’d do anything for you.” And as she feels Maura’s arms tighten around her, she knows it’s completely, irreversibly, terrifyingly true.


	6. so far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "So Far Away" by Carole King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to keep maura's chapters pretty short bc this is mostly jane's story/journey so here's a baby chapter for y'all to enjoy

Despite being up quite late at the engagement party, Maura wakes up early the next morning to see Jane off. Jack doesn’t even stir as she gets out of bed and moves to the bathroom to get herself ready. The dark circles under her eyes are more prominent lately than they’ve been in a while. She’s been up all hours of the night trying to put together her dream wedding in the span of a few months.

She and Jack agreed there’s no reason to wait years like so many couples do; between herself and Constance they have the resources to make it happen quickly without making sacrifices. Other than, of course, the sacrifice of sleep. Maura washes her face, hurries through her makeup routine and throws her hair into a ponytail. Jack is still asleep when she leaves.

Tommy’s house, on the other hand, is bustling with activity. All the Rizzoli’s have gathered to hug Jane goodbye, just as they do every time she comes to visit. They’re all out in the driveway showering her with hugs and kisses despite her protests.

“Good, I’m not too late,” Maura says hesitantly as she walks up the driveway.

Jane turns away from Angela to face her. “Hey. You’re here.”

“Of course I’m here.” Maura moves to pull Jane into a hug, but stops short. Something is different about her energy this morning. Different from last night. “I just wanted to see you before you left and make arrangements for me to come visit.”

“You… wanna come visit?”

Maura clears her throat. “To go dress shopping.”

“Oh.” Jane’s eyes seem to cloud over for a moment, but they clear just as quickly. “Right. Yeah, um just come any weekend. I never really have anything going on.”

“Perfect.” Maura smiles, but her heart isn’t in it. She doesn’t know what’s changed between last night and now, but suddenly Jane is keeping her at arm’s length. Both literally and figuratively. “Well, I suppose I’ll see you soon, then.”

“Yeah.”

“Drive safely.”

“Thanks.”

Maura offers one last half-smile and quickly turns away to hide the moisture springing to her eyes. The other Rizzoli’s murmur some goodbyes to her as she walks back to the car. She spares one last glance before driving away, and what she sees makes her heart break all over again. A family that took her in, treated her like one of their own, now smiling and laughing and hugging in their boisterous Italian way.

Without her.


	7. untouchable face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Untouchable Face" by Ani DiFranco

Despite her best attempts to limit all thoughts of Maura to the drive home, Jane finds her thoughts drifting back to her all day at work on Monday. No matter what she does, her brain manages to link back to Maura somehow.

It doesn’t help that she’s cycling through the same class material for the third time. She’s been trying to grade her students’ assignments for the past hour. But she’s seen these exact same assignments with these exact same answers so many times now she’s on the brink of screaming at the top of her lungs. Today has been a rare instance where no students have come in during her office hours, and she really wanted to take advantage of the time to get her work done before she goes home.

She’s not used to having to take her work home with her, either. At BPD, she did it all the time, but only because she was dedicated to solving her cases. No one ever asked her to. Here, it’s an expectation. Her work day doesn’t end at 5:00; it ends when she finishes marking up the last papers.

Jane flips a page in the assignment with a barely-stifled sigh. She’s trying to read this student’s essay on interrogation methods, but all she can think about is the events of the past weekend. They keep replaying in her head like a horror movie she can’t turn off. She sees Jack dancing with Maura, Jack kissing Maura, Jack holding Maura’s waist like he has any right to her. It makes her blood boil to think of it. Her complete ambivalence to Jack has rapidly morphed into passionate hatred, all thanks to Frankie pointing out what she was too dumb to see before.

But as much as she wants to be mad at Frankie, she can’t. If anything, she should be thanking him. This anger, this resentment coursing through her for Jack is the most she’s felt since she moved to Virginia. It’s so strong it almost outshines the love she feels for Maura.

“Fuck,” Jane whispers. Her brain keeps going there, even when she begs it not to, keeps trying to figure out just how deep this whole “love” thing runs. How long has she felt this way? Has everyone noticed or just Frankie? Does this mean she’s gay or something?

No. Now is not the time. She’ll be home soon, and there she can go down that rabbithole as deep as she wants to; but she refuses to have her gay panic on the clock. She snaps her attention back to the essay in front of her and tries her very best to pay attention to the analysis of nonverbal cues. Her progress is slowed as she has to stop and look up almost every other word the student uses; though she’s used to that process by now. Every semester, her students’ vocabularies have all been far more advanced than her own. It’s like trying to teach a bunch of younger Maura’s.

And there she goes again. Back down the rabbithole she can’t seem to avoid, because everything makes her think of Maura and thinking of Maura freaks her out.

Jane still can’t believe she actually agreed to be the maid of honor. She only said yes because she knew it would make Maura happy, and even now, even with all the bitterness and separation and fear between them, she’d still do absolutely anything to make Maura happy. At least there’s solace in the fact that she’ll have plenty of time to get over all these weird feelings before the wedding; based on what Maura’s told her about her dream wedding, it’ll be a hell of a long time to get it planned.

The clock flicks to 5:00, signaling the end of Jane’s office hours. She pushes Maura from her brain for the moment, hoping this time those thoughts stay where they belong, and starts packing up her things. She tenses as she hears a knock on her door. “Office hours are over,” she says without turning around. It comes out much more harshly than she intended.

“Long day?” a familiar voice says.

Jane turns around to see Wendy standing in the doorway. “Oh, hey,” she sighs. “Sorry I snapped. I’m kind of in a bad mood.”

“Sorry to hear that.” Wendy leans against the doorframe. “We missed you this weekend – I just wanted to check in with you.”

“Huh?” And then it dawns on her. “Oh, shit. The mixer.” The faculty mixer was this weekend, a party held every semester by the agents in charge of the academy. “I totally forgot about that. I had to go to Boston last minute.”

“Did something happen?” As she speaks, Wendy steps into the office, letting the door fall shut behind her. She leans on Jane’s desk and crosses her arms.

Jane laughs shortly. “Sort of. My best friend got engaged.”

Wendy arches an eyebrow. “You don’t like her fiancé, huh?”

“Nope. But I said I’d be her maid of honor anyway.”

“Damn.” Wendy lets out a low whistle. “Sounds stressful.”

“You have no idea.”

Wendy shifts so her weight is on the foot next to Jane, effectively bringing their faces closer. “You sound like you need to blow off some steam. Come out for drinks with me on Friday after work.”

Jane traps her bottom lip between her teeth. She definitely did not expect the conversation to turn this way, but somehow, she’s not entirely upset by it. “Like, with some of the others?”

“No. Just us,” Wendy says softly. Her gaze flicks to Jane’s lips for just a second before meeting her eyes again. She smiles.

“I’m not…” Jane trails off, unsure what she meant to say. She’s not gay, not really. And yet, there’s all these unexplained feelings for Maura. And she can’t deny the fact that Wendy is definitely attractive, and that Jane’s body is responding to her advances.

“You’re not what?”

Jane sighs. “I’m not gay.”

Wendy tilts her head. “You sure? You’ve got heavy dyke energy.”

“Wait, what?” Jane laughs out loud despite herself. “That’s a thing?”

“Of course it is.”

“Well… I guess I’ve never really thought about it.” It’s a lie, of course. She’s _over_thought about it the past few days. She looks Wendy up and down and feels a flutter in her core. Even as stubborn as she is, she has to acknowledge that she’s clearly attracted to the woman in front of her. Besides, Maura’s unavailable, but what’s stopping her from going out with a different beautiful woman?

Wendy smirks. “Jane?” she says, snapping Jane out of her own head. “Is that a yes to drinks?”

“Yeah.” Jane smiles. “Let’s do it.”

“Great. I’ll see you Friday.” Wendy straightens and walks to the door, turning back and offering one more smile before she leaves Jane’s office.

“What the fuck just happened?” Jane murmurs to herself as she collects her things. Thoughts of Maura keep swirling in her head, images of her with Jack, the two of them wearing fewer and fewer clothes, but now Jane finally has something to combat them with. Two can play this game.

And Jane Rizzoli plays to win.


	8. begin again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Begin Again" by Taylor Swift

Friday rolls around much sooner than Jane expected it to, and before she has time to think about it, she’s out at the bar with Wendy. Weirdly, she’s not even that nervous. And, even weirder, Maura isn’t at the forefront of her brain anymore. She’s fully present in this moment, across from Wendy, excited to have a good night for the first time since she got here.

“I was afraid you’d change your mind,” Wendy says with a smile.

Jane laughs shortly. “I was, too,” she admits. “But here I am.”

“Here you are.” Wendy grins. She lifts her glass, gesturing for Jane to do the same. “To new experiences.”

“To new experiences.” Jane grins and sips her drink. “I was meaning to ask, what made you wanna ask me out anyway?”

Wendy laughs out loud. “Are you serious?”

“Um… yes?”

“Jane. Have you not looked in the mirror lately?” Wendy smirks. “You’re hot.”

Jane feels her face burn. “Really?” She brings her hand to her lips, hating how it reminds her of Maura. “So you just wanted to go out with me because I’m a hot piece of ass? Shallow.”

Wendy laughs heartily, and Jane finds herself leaning into the sound of it. “No, see that’s what I like about you. You’re funny.”

“Thanks.” Jane smiles and takes another sip of her beer. She’s not used to people actually laughing at her dumb jokes. Or even understanding them. God, if she had a nickel for every time she had to explain the concept of sarcasm to Maura, she wouldn’t be stuck at this job going madder by the minute.

“So, what are you into? Wendy asks.

Jane doesn’t answer for a moment. “Uh, the Sox. Beer. I try to hit the gym every so often.” She shrugs. “That’s the basics, I guess. What about you?”

Wendy grins. “I’m outdoorsy. Fishing, camping, hiking, that kind of thing. My sister and I hiked the Pacific Crest Trail last summer.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a mountain trail that goes from Southern California to the Canadian border.” Wendy runs a finger around the rim of her glass. “We only did the Northern half, though.”

Jane lets out a low, impressed whistle. “That’s crazy. I couldn’t imagine doing something like that.”

“It’s not too bad. Just a lot of walking, carrying everything you need on your back, sleeping on rocks for three months,” Wendy says with a laugh. “It was nice, though. Really makes you think about what you’re carrying around.”

Jane tilts her head. “What do you mean?”

Wendy sucks her bottom lip between her teeth, glancing thoughtfully down at her lap for a moment before speaking. “We couldn’t carry anything with us that wasn’t absolutely necessary. I try to keep that attitude in the rest of my life too.” She sips her drink. “I don’t keep anything - or any_one_ – in my life that I don’t need.”

“That’s really smart.” Jane takes a long drink of her beer as she absorbs the words. She tries to run through everything in her life, wondering if any of it would be deemed “unnecessary” by Wendy’s standards. Of course, without her asking, her mind lands on Maura. She tries to imagine her life without Maura. It’s impossible. She’s only known her for less than ten years; not even a fourth of her life. And yet, imagining a life without her just feels… colorless.

Jane’s phone starts buzzing on the table. As if she was reading Jane’s mind, it’s Maura’s name flashing on the screen. Jane sighs. “Sorry,” she mutters to Wendy. She declines the call and flips her phone face-down on the table.

Wendy frowns. “Is it important?”

“No. Just my friend.”

“Oh, the one who’s getting married?”

Jane sighs. “Yep, that’s the one.” She finishes off her beer. “She probably just needs my opinion on linen swatches or something. It can wait.”

Wendy smiles. “So, I never got the full story. What’s the deal?”

“What do you mean?”

“What’s wrong with her fiancé?”

“Ah.” Jane bites her lips, scrambling to think of something to say. She doesn’t want to lie to Wendy, especially not after they’ve hit it off so well, but obviously she can’t be fully honest about the situation. “It’s not that he’s necessarily bad. I just think she could do better.”

Wendy arches an eyebrow. “You know, I’ve seen it happen to a lot of straight women. They date down.”

Jane laughs out loud. “I’ll drink to that.” She lifts her empty glass for emphasis. As if on cue, her phone starts buzzing again, again showing Maura’s caller ID. Jane declines it again.

“Babes, you can get the phone, it’s okay,” Wendy says. “It sounds like she really needs you for something.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jane glances at the time. “It’s getting late, though.”

Wendy sighs. “You’re right. Time to call it a night.”

Jane’s heart starts to beat faster as she considers her options. She’s tired, yes, and ready to go home. But she doesn’t want this date to end. Surprisingly, she’s been having a great time with Wendy. “Unless you wanted to come by.” Jane coughs nervously. “I can show you my Sox shrine,” she adds with a soft laugh.

Wendy’s eyes flick to Jane’s lips. “Yeah, I’m up for that.”

During the entire cab ride to Jane’s apartment, she finds herself caught up in the way Wendy looks in the soft light, the moon reflecting off of blonde curls in a way that’s all too familiar. In just as many ways as she is the opposite of Maura, she’s also unsettlingly similar.

For her part, Wendy doesn’t seem fazed by Jane staring at her. She reaches over and takes Jane’s hand into her lap. Her fingers stroke the back of Jane’s hand, sending electric thrills through Jane’s body. Her skin is softer than any other hand Jane has held.

“You look really nice,” Jane says, barely above a whisper.

Wendy smiles. “So do you.”

The cab stops in front of Jane’s building. Jane pays the driver, trying to ignore the building nervousness in her. She takes Wendy’s hand and leads her up the stairs to the third floor. She has no idea what her plan is. She didn’t think past the invitation. She doesn’t have much time to think, either, because they’re only a few doors away from her place now. They’re just rounding the corner in the hall when Jane stops short at the sight that greets her. Sitting on the floor in front of her apartment, intently reading something on her phone, is Maura.

And she’s got a bag with her.


	9. illusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "illusion" by xylo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm on femslash marathon lockdown this week so expect quick updates for the next few days :))

Maura stares up at Jane, who stares just as silently back at her. She’s spent the past hour sitting in front of Jane’s apartment, trying to think of what to say, but is at a loss for words now that she’s faced with the moment. She glances down to where Jane’s fingers are laced with the other woman’s and wonders to herself what that could be about. Jane’s never been one for physical intimacy, even with boyfriends. “I tried calling,” she says finally.

“Yeah.” Jane bites her lip. She looks anywhere but at Maura’s face. “Sorry, I was busy.”

“You said I could come any weekend.”

“I wish you’d called ahead.”

“I wanted to surprise you.” Maura sighs. “I didn’t know you had plans,” she adds with a pointed glance at the blonde woman standing too close to Jane.

Jane turns to face the woman. “You should probably go,” she says, barely audible. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” the woman replies. She slides a hand around the back of Jane’s neck and pulls her into a kiss, much to Maura’s surprise. She’s not sure what she expected but it certainly wasn’t that.

When they finally separate after a much-too-long kiss, Jane is beaming. “I’ll see you later,” she murmurs. Her hand lingers on the woman’s arm as she leaves. Once the woman is around the corner, Jane turns back to face Maura, all evidence of a smile erased from her face. She unlocks the door and enters the apartment with a vague gesture for Maura to follow her.

“I’m sorry, Jane,” Maura says as she sets her weekend bag down next to the couch. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your plans.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jane throws her keys onto the kitchen counter and opens the fridge. “I would have gotten wine if I knew you were coming,” she says, pulling out two beers and handing one to Maura.

Maura takes it with a small smile. “This is perfect.” She sits down on the couch and waits for Jane to join her. “So, who was that you were with?”

Jane laughs shortly, as though there’s some inside joke Maura isn’t privy to. “Wendy. She’s one of the instructors at the academy.”

“Ah.” Maura drinks her beer, trying not to react to the unpleasant taste. “And you’ve been seeing each other?”

“Tonight was our first date.” Jane hooks Maura’s eyes with her own. It’s almost like she’s daring her to question the situation.

Maura just nods. Of course she has a million questions. Since when is Jane dating women, why didn’t she say anything, why hasn’t she called Maura since the engagement party, why was she being so frosty when she left the next morning? But Maura doesn’t ask any of them. She just sips her beer and plays along with the game she doesn’t know the rules to. “She seems sweet.”

“Yeah.” Jane finishes her beer in a few big gulps. “Let me set up the bed for you.”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t-”

“Maura, I know you can’t sleep on couches.” Jane stands up. “It’s fine.”

Maura shifts in her seat. “Okay,” she says in a tiny voice. She stays on the couch while Jane goes into the bedroom to change the sheets and arrange things for Maura to sleep in the bed. Part of her wants to get back in her car and drive straight back to Boston. She knows she made a mistake not calling, again, and it seems no matter what she does she just digs herself deeper into this hole with Jane.

But she’s never been one to give up. She’s determined to fix whatever the problem is between them. She sets her beer down and stands up to head to the bedroom. “Do you need help?” she asks softly from the doorway.

Jane turns around. “Nah, it’s all set.” She pushes past Maura into the living room. “Good night.”

“Good night.” Maura sits on the bed. She runs her hand over the pillows. Even after all this time, Jane still remembered the way Maura likes her bed made. And maybe that hurts more than anything else.


	10. here you come again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Here You Come Again" by Dolly Parton

Jane sits at her counter with her coffee the next morning, but she’s not drinking it. Just stirring it. And stirring it. Her mind is wandering, as it does so often now, around and around, but not settling on, Maura.

She’s not quite sure how to feel about the situation. With Maura showing up out of the blue, cutting her date short with Wendy, and no doubt she’ll spend the weekend talking Jane’s ear off about wedding plans. Jane’s already dreading the whole ordeal. Ever since agreeing to be the maid of honor, she’s been kicking herself. She has no idea how she’s going to do everything Maura expects of her while also dealing with her feelings.

Jane picks up her mug and lifts it to her lips. She’s still not sure how to deal with those feelings. Or what those feelings have to do with her feelings for Wendy. There’s no denying the tug she feels toward Maura; the inescapable whirlwind of emotion that explodes inside her every time she sees Maura’s face.

But then, there’s also a tug toward Wendy. Less so, but definitely nothing to be ignored. She had fun last night, much more than she was expecting, and that kiss… wow. She keeps replaying it in her mind and every time, it’s just as amazing. A thousand times better than any kiss with a man. Even Casey has practically evaporated from her mind in the wake of that kiss.

Okay, so maybe she’s gayer than she initially thought. What to do with that information is a completely different issue. She rubs her forehead with a heavy sigh. The bedroom door opens down the hall and, for better or worse, her conversation with herself is cut short by Maura coming to sit next to her. “Morning,” Jane says.

“Good morning.” Maura smiles a little too brightly. “How did you sleep?”

“Not too bad.” Jane takes an exaggerated gulp of her coffee for emphasis. Part of her hates herself for it. She knows she’s being mean, unfair, but she’s just so damn angry and she doesn’t even know if she’s angry at Maura or herself. “You?”

Maura chews on her lip. “The same.”

Jane nods and takes another sip. “So, I think you mentioned there would be dress shopping when you came to visit, right?”

“Yes.” Maura’s staring at the counter now, completely avoiding looking at Jane’s face. “I set up a few appointments at salons today. I hope that’s all right.”

“That’s what I signed up for.” Jane stands up, finishing her coffee, and sets the mug in the sink. “I’ll get dressed.” She doesn’t wait for Maura to say anything else.

An hour later, she’s standing on a pedestal in a strapless blue dress, spinning around at Maura’s request and trying not to roll her eyes. She really is doing the best she can to play along, to make Maura happy, especially after how she treated her last night and this morning. The guilt is starting to catch up to her. “Do you like this one?” she asks as she turns to face Maura again.

Maura tilts her head. “I’m not sure about the neckline.” She gets up and starts running her hand along Jane’s sides, over the seams of the dress.

Jane sucks in a breath. She’s been trained all her life not to react, but it’s taking all her strength right now not to melt into Maura’s touch. She stiffens her shoulders as Maura’s hands go up over her shoulders, just grazing the tops of her breasts. _She’s just checking the neckline_, Jane repeats to herself in her mind, over and over again. “Um, what about it don’t you like?”

“It’s too straight.” Maura frowns. “What do you think?”

Jane sighs. “I think it looks exactly the same as the last three.”

Maura turns to the attendant who’s been helping them with the dresses. “Can you show me something with a sweetheart neckline?”

It feels like hours, but it’s barely past noon when they finally walk out of the shop with a dress bagged up and slung over Jane’s shoulder. Jane takes Maura straight back home, turning down a trip to the jewelry shop. “I trust you to pick out whatever you want,” she says to quell Maura’s protests. “And I’m hungry. There’s a good Chinese place that gives me a discount because I order so much takeout.”

And that’s where they are, on the couch eating Chinese food from Chan’s when Maura finally asks the question that’s been hanging unspoken between them since the night before. “Is Wendy the first woman you’ve dated?”

Jane sighs heavily and sets down her plate. She knew this conversation was coming; she should have thought of something to say before it happened. “Yeah. She is.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way about women.”

“I didn’t, either,” Jane says slowly, scrambling to find the words to explain herself without accidentally spilling everything. “Until recently.”

Maura furrows her brow, leaning slightly closer and sending Jane’s heart leaping into her throat. “What changed?”

Jane chews on the inside of her cheek in an attempt to calm herself down. She hasn’t been this close to Maura since the engagement party – and before that, it had been months. She barely has enough room in her brain to think of a response around the voices screaming _kiss her! _over and over again. “Uh, just something someone said got me thinking,” she says lamely.

“What did they say?”

“You know, I don’t even remember now.” Jane turns back to the table and picks up her plate, shoving her mouth full of General Tso’s chicken before Maura can ask her anything else about it.

Maura nods slowly. “If I gave you a reason to not want to tell me, I’m sorry,” she says after a long silence.

Jane stops mid-chew. She didn’t expect Maura to say anything like that. If anything, she expected her to get angry, to yell at her and start a fight like they keep doing as of late. “No, of course not.” Looking at Maura, with that softness back in her eyes that she used to have, Jane finds all her anger suddenly evaporating from her, replaced only with an overwhelming sense of love for the woman beside her. She almost chokes on it. It’s almost too much; she finds herself wishing she could go back to being angry. It’s easier to be angry at Maura than to accept that these feelings are nothing but a dead end.

“I’d like to meet her,” Maura says. “I mean, officially.”

“Wait, really?” Jane feels her heartrate speed up even more somehow.

“If that’s all right with you.”

“No, of course, that’s-” Jane breaks off and pulls out her phone. “Uh, let’s do dinner tonight, the three of us.” Even as she’s typing the text to Wendy, she knows it’s a bad idea, bringing the person she’s seeing out to dinner with the person she’s secretly in love with. But, ever the queen of bad decisions, she sends the invitation anyway. “Great,” she says after reading Wendy’s quick reply. “We’re meeting her at six.”

Maura grins, and Jane’s chest aches to see it spread so easily across her face, just like it used to before everything got so fucked up. “Great! I can’t wait.”

Jane forces herself to match Maura’s smile as closely as she can with her stomach doing acrobatics. “Yeah. Me, too.” And for the first time, she takes the advice Maura’s given her a thousand times, and ignores her gut.

Boy, that’s a mistake she’ll never make again.


	11. you should talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "You Should Talk" by Fletcher

Jane’s already jittery during the drive to the restaurant, but by the time they’re seated and watching Wendy walk through the door, she’s practically sweating through her shirt. “Hey,” she greets Wendy with a smile she hopes isn’t as shaky as it feels, standing up to give her a brief kiss. “I’m glad you could come tonight.”

“Of course.” Wendy sits down beside her. “I’m glad you asked me.”

Maura leans forward. “Hi, Wendy,” she says hesitantly. “I’m Maura.”

“It’s good to meet you.”

“You, too.” Maura smiles. “I’m so sorry to have interrupted your plans last night. Wedding planning tends to take up the part of the brain usually reserved for courtesy.”

Wendy laughs heartily, and Jane feels herself relax just a little bit. Things seem to be going okay so far. “I’ve seen plenty of friends down the aisle, I know how it goes.”

The tension at the table dissipates as Wendy and Maura fall into a seemingly easy rapport about weddings. Apparently, Wendy has been in her fair share of wedding parties and has a lot of tips to offer Maura in her planning.

“Well, we’re fast tracking the process a bit,” Maura says as their food arrives. “We’ve set a date in December.”

Jane’s eyes go wide. “Wait, what?”

Maura turns to her with a slightly confused expression. “Yes. December 17th. It was listed on the maid of honor information sheet I emailed you.”

“Oh.” Jane fills her mouth with burger to avoid more talk on the matter. She remembers receiving that email from Maura the day after the party. She’s pretty sure it’s still sitting in the trash folder of her inbox. Maybe she should pull it out. “Sorry,” she says after finishing her bite. “I must have missed that part.”

“You do tend to skim,” Maura says. The humor Jane was once accustomed to hearing in her voice is absent, replaced by a coldness that’s become too familiar over the past several months.

Wendy clears her throat. “Um, Jane, tell me more about your coworkers. You promised me some stories you didn’t finish last night.” She leans closer and runs a hand over Jane’s arm with a playful squeeze.

Jane chews on the inside of her cheek. “Refresh my memory?”

“You were talking about these two coworkers you used to have who both had a crush on you,” Wendy says with a smirk. “And how they used to hang out and talk about you or something.” She turns to Maura. “Did you know about it?”

Jane’s stomach drops to the floor as she watches Maura’s face harden. She completely forgot she’d even told Wendy that story. There’s a very pregnant pause, Jane watching Maura, waiting for a reaction, Maura staring at her plate with a set jaw and a cold, steel gaze.

Wendy glances back and forth between the two of them. “Sorry, did I say something?”

“Excuse me,” Maura says. She pushes her chair back and snatches up her purse, ignoring Jane calling her name after her as she heads for the door.

“Shit,” Jane mutters. She turns to Wendy. “I’m so sorry. I’ll be right back.” She chases after Maura, finally catching up to her in the parking lot and grabbing her arm. “Maura, wait,” she says, out of breath.

Maura whips around to look at her. Her face is dark, brows furrowed deep, lips pressed into a thin line. Jane’s never been on the receiving end of this look before, even after she shot Paddy Doyle. “What?” Maura snaps.

“I…” Jane sighs and tugs her fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, you’re sorry. That makes it okay.” Maura drops her head into her hand and pinches the bridge of her nose. “I didn’t know you even knew about that stupid crush I used to have. Much less that you gossiped about it with someone you’ve been with for a _day_.”

Jane steps forward and tries to take Maura’s hand, but Maura swats her away. She shoves her hands into her pockets instead. “I didn’t wanna bring it up because I knew it would embarrass you,” she says quietly. _Among other things_, she adds in her mind. God, this evening has turned into such a mess. She has no idea how they got here, but suddenly she’s terrified this might be the last straw between them. This might be the last time she speaks to Maura. She can’t imagine ending such a long, intense friendship like this.

“You know, that would have been a lot better than this,” Maura says. “Look, I know things have been strange lately. I know we haven’t been as close as we used to be. But I cannot believe, after all we’ve been through together, that you would talk behind my back like this about something I haven’t thought about in years.” She presses her hands together. “I moved on from those feelings so long ago, Jane. I never wanted you to know.”

“I know, and-”

“No, you let me speak.” Maura’s nostrils flare as she continues. “I’m happy now. I’m marrying someone who is good to me, who is kind, something you haven’t been for _months_. So please, tell me, why the hell are you still thinking about this now?”

“Probably because I’ve been in love with you for forever,” Jane shouts, throwing her hands over her face as though protecting herself from Maura’s reaction. _Holy shit_, she thinks. It’s out of her mouth. There’s nothing she can do now but mitigate the damage. She hopes to God she can still salvage their friendship after this, but she knows that’s probably out of the question.

It feels like hours before Maura speaks. “You’re in love with me?” she says, barely a whisper.

Jane just nods. She wills herself not to cry. It doesn’t work. She wipes at her eyes as she searches for the words to explain herself. “Since Paris, I think. Maybe earlier. I don’t really know.” She flicks her eyes around the parking lot, looking anywhere but at Maura’s face. “Maura, I-”

“Don’t,” Maura says quietly. Jane glances up in time to see her duck away. Her features have softened, and her eyes are shining with tears threatening to spill over. “I’m going to go back home,” she murmurs, almost like she’s talking to herself more than to Jane. “I’ll send you a new copy of the maid of honor information. Call me if anything needs clarification.”

“Maura-”

“Good night, Jane.” Maura turns and goes to her car, leaving Jane standing alone and confused and silently crying in the dimly lit parking lot. She pulls her hair back into her hands and lets it drop again. She has to get herself together and go back inside to Wendy, but right now she can’t seem to stop crying. She drops to the ground and sits down on the pavement, looking up at the sky. “Father,” she whispers. “I know I haven’t talked to You much lately. I’m sorry for that.” She sighs. “I need help. Just tell me what to do, please.” Glancing over at the spot where Maura’s car was just a second ago, and back to the restaurant where Wendy is waiting for her, no doubt wondering what’s happening, she heaves a heavy sob. “When did it all get so fucked up?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, y'all have reached the first hill of the rollercoaster
> 
> buckle up for the rest lol


	12. heart's content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Heart's Content" by Brandi Carlile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i added a link in the first chapter for the honorable mentions playlist since people seemed to like that on the last fic - i'll be adding to it as i go, so if you're into that go check it out!!!
> 
> (it's mostly fletcher tbh but i love her so i'm not sorry)

It’s just past three in the morning when Maura finally crawls into bed, eyes red and stinging from hours of alternating between sobbing and straining to see the road in the black night. Jack is fast asleep in bed. She tries her best not to wake him, but he sighs and turns over as she pulls the blanket over herself. “Hey,” he whispers, voice thick with sleep. “I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow.”

Maura leans into his arms as he wraps them around her body. “Jane and I got into a fight,” she says softly.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Maura wipes her eyes. “I just want to go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Jack kisses the back of her neck. “Love you.”

“You, too.” Maura settles her head into the pillow. But, even though she’s exhausted from the late drive, sleep doesn’t come. Her mind keeps playing over and over again the events of the evening in painful detail, always turning to slow motion at the same moment.

_“I’m happy now. I’m marrying someone who is good to me, who is kind, something you haven’t been for months. So please, tell me, why the hell are you still thinking about this now?”_

_“Probably because I’ve been in love with you for forever!”_

In her mind’s eye, she can see Jane’s face crumple, even hidden behind her hands, as the words burst out of her mouth. The pain is evident in the trembling of her bottom lip. And still Maura turned away. She knows she reacted badly. Actually, she didn’t really react at all. In the moment, she had no idea what she could possibly say. She had no idea how she even felt about what Jane told her. All she knew was that she had to get out of there and think. Alone.

Jack shifts and pulls her closer, his arms wrapped snug around her waist, but it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. Maura doesn’t melt into his touch like she always does. She thinks she knows why.

In the back of her mind, she’s standing in front of a door that has remained locked for several years now. She put all the feelings she ever had for Jane behind that door. She’s never opened it, but it’s always been there, just in case she ever needed those feelings again. Now, she presses her hand against it, runs her fingers over the dusty knob, wonders what would happen if she opened it.

The knob turns without her asking it to. Before she can stop it, the door opens, just a crack, offering a tiny sliver of light into the dark hallway she’s standing in. She slams the door shut. This is not an option, she tells herself, walking back down the hallway. She doesn’t hear the door creak back open behind her as she does.

And in the bed, finally asleep without even knowing it, Maura sheds a single tear.


	13. about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "About You" by Fletcher

There’s an envelope sitting on the counter when Jane gets home from work on Tuesday that she completely forgot about. She sent some photos in for printing last week, and, in the drama of the weekend, forgot that they were arriving today. She sighs as she hangs up her jacket.

Wendy should be coming over pretty soon, but she can’t stop herself from opening up the envelope to look through the pictures. It’s mostly pictures of herself and Maura. The two of them on a boat during the fishing case, with the entire Rizzoli family in Maura’s kitchen, grinning cheek-to-cheek in the Dirty Robber with just a hint of Korsak’s thumb visible in the corner of the photo.

Jane stops in the pile on a photo she forgot she ever took. It’s of Maura, kneeling on the floor in front of Bass with a wide grin on her face. Jane took the photo without telling her; she’s pretty sure Maura still doesn’t know it exists. Jane traces her finger over the curl of Maura’s hair in the photo. Her face is barely visible, but what can be seen is a dimpled cheek and a sparkling hazel eye as she runs her hand over the tortoise’s shell.

It was taken early in their friendship, pretty soon after Maura started at BPD. If she thinks hard enough, she can probably think of the exact case they were working on the day it was taken.

It kills her to think that she might never see that smile again. And, what’s worse, she doesn’t even know what Maura is thinking. She has no idea if she’s even on Maura’s mind at all, no idea what could possibly make this whole situation better. She’s just stuck here alone with a bunch of photos from another life, another love lost.

The next photo is another one Jane took of Maura, and seeing it thrusts her into a memory so vivid she almost forgets where she is.

_With the Parisian sun filtering through the patio window at just the right angle, Maura’s hair looks like spun gold. She’s deeply focused on her chapter, and Jane’s sitting on the couch, working her way through the stack of books Maura packed for her to read. Surprisingly, Maura actually has a pretty good idea of the kind of thing Jane would actually enjoy reading, and this one is no exception._

_Jane glances up to look at Maura and finds herself captivated by the way the light dancing through Maura’s hair, across her skin, with every click of her fingers on the computer keys. Jane quietly pulls her phone out of her pocket. She doesn’t want to interrupt Maura in her focus, but this moment has to be captured._

_It only takes one shot to get the perfect picture. A smile appears on Maura’s face and she turns to Jane just as Jane takes the photo. “What was that for?” she asks, tilting her head._

_Jane shrugs. “You look nice.”_

_“I think I just wrote something really good.” Maura picks up her laptop and carries it over to sit next to Jane. Their legs touch as she does. “Can I read it to you?”_

_“Of course.”_

_Maura clears her throat. “Despite all the things Eliza thought she knew, the answer had been right in front of her the whole time. She didn’t know how she’d missed it for so long. Maybe it’s time to swallow her pride and accept Lenore’s help. Maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing after all.”_

_Jane smirks. “Let me guess. I’m Eliza and you’re Lenore.”_

_“Is it that obvious?”_

_“Only to the people who know us.” Jane grins. “It’s amazing. Just like you.”_

_Maura closes the computer, glancing up at the window. “Do you want to get some dinner at the café?”_

_“Absolutely.”_

A knock on the door interrupts her train of thought. Wendy smiles a greeting when she answers, leaning in for a kiss which Jane gladly accepts. She’s been worried Wendy would be upset about what happened on Saturday, but there doesn’t seem to be any animosity or hesitation in her kiss. “Ooh, what’s all this?” Wendy asks, walking to the counter where all the photos are laid out.

“I ordered some photos,” Jane says. “I realized my place is kind of bare.”

Wendy picks up the photo of Maura and Bass. “Did you take this?”

Jane sighs. “Yeah. Long time ago.”

“Are things still weird between you guys?”

“We still haven’t talked.” Jane sits down on one of the counter stools and picks up another photo, this one of herself and Maura squished close together in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Wendy puts the photo down and sits next to her. She rests a hand on Jane’s leg, gently stroking her thumb back and forth. “I didn’t ask you before because I could tell you were really upset,” she says softly. “But what happened on Saturday? I mean, I know I stuck my foot in my mouth somehow, but-”

“No, it’s not your fault,” Jane sighs. “I shouldn’t have told you that story in the first place. It wasn’t mine to tell.”

“It was Maura, wasn’t it? Who had a crush on you?”

Jane closes her eyes and rubs her face with her hands. “She had no idea I knew about it. I never wanted to embarrass her.” Her stomach churns. She can’t stand this not knowing; Maura hasn’t spoken to her since she left on Saturday and Jane’s been too terrified to even text her. “I know it’s hard to believe, but we used to be so close.”

“I believe it,” Wendy says with a gentle smile. “You’re her maid of honor, after all.”

“Oh, God.” Jane laughs. “Yeah, I am. I can’t believe she still wants me to do it.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Wendy grins. “She can’t be mad at you forever.”

“I hope you’re right.” Jane gathers up the stack of pictures and pushes them to the side. “Whatever. I think she’s just weirded out that I suddenly have a girlfriend.”

Wendy’s eyebrows fly up. “Someone I should be worried about?”

Jane laughs and pulls Wendy in closer. She pushes aside her guilt for the moment and focuses on the sense of calm that comes over her when Wendy is close to her. “I’m talking about you,” she murmurs. “I mean, I hope so, anyway.”

“Yeah?” Wendy grins. She takes Jane’s face in her hands and kisses her deep and slow.

It feels nice, kissing Wendy. It’s gentle, and it’s sweet, and Jane misses it when it’s over. It’s the only time she’s not thinking about Maura. Maybe it’s wrong to be with someone when all her thoughts are wrapped up in someone else, but it’s not exactly that simple. Being with Maura isn’t an option. Being with Wendy, however, makes her happy, makes her feel safe and cared for.

And that’s nice. She wants to hold onto that. She tangles her fingers in Wendy’s blonde hair, lost in the feeling of connecting with someone special. Only when Wendy pulls way does Jane finally notice herself grinning. “So, that’s a yes, then?”

“Yes, dummy.” Wendy kisses her again.

And it’s nice. It’s really nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i just realized nanowrimo is in 2 weeks so i'm tryna bust out these chapters super quick so i'm done by the time it starts lmao


	14. eyes closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Eyes Closed" by Halsey

By the time the weekend rolls around, Jane still hasn’t heard from Maura at all. Not a call, not a text, not even an email about flower arrangements or something of that sort. Absolutely nothing. Of course, Jane hasn’t tried reaching out either, only because she’s pretty sure it’s not her place. After what happened, Maura deserves to be the one to decide when they can talk again. Until then, Jane will continue to try her best to distract herself.

She’s in her office that Friday afternoon, no students to speak of and not enough focus to work, scrolling through her Facebook feed in an effort to pass the time. She likes Nina’s photo of herself and Frankie on a camping trip. She likes Tommy’s photo of TJ holding his first 10/10 spelling test with a proud grin, a hole where his left front tooth should be. She even likes her mother’s blurry photo of the pasta sauce she made the night before.

She doesn’t like Maura’s post. Or, more accurately, _posts_. She and Jack must have had their engagement photoshoot recently, because Jane’s feed is clogged with picture after picture of them smiling hand in hand, wrapped up in each other’s arms, Maura’s ring sparkling on her finger like it’s taunting Jane. Of course she has the time to post all of these pictures, but not to call Jane and figure everything out.

Wendy knocks on the door right as the time flips to 5:01, as has become their routine. “Hey. Ready to go?”

“Look at this,” Jane says. She hands Wendy her phone.

Wendy looks through the photos, her right eyebrow creeping higher and higher up her face with every swipe. “You’re right. She’s way out of his league.” She hands Jane’s phone back. “Hey, speaking of Facebook, we should make it official. Change our status.”

It takes a second for Jane to realize what Wendy is saying. “Oh, right,” she says. She weighs her options. She’s never updated her status to reflect any of her relationships before – partly because none of them lasted long enough to do so, but mostly because she’s never really been much of a social media person at all. Only now that she lives hundreds of miles away from her family does she even log on more than once every few months.

But, one more glance down at Maura’s obnoxious engagement photos makes her stomach churn in a way that makes her want to throw caution to the wind. If Maura wants to play these sorts of games, then Jane will be damned if she doesn’t accept the challenge. “Yeah, let’s do it now.” She switches into her settings and taps the relationship option, feeling the anticipation rise in her chest as she flicks down to “in a relationship” and tags Wendy. She didn’t consider until now that her family – aside from Frankie – still doesn’t even know she’s into women. She was hoping to push off that conversation for as long as possible.

_Too late now_, she thinks, hitting the “save” key. “There we go,” she says. She shows Wendy her screen. “Facebook official.”

Wendy grins. “What’s your mom gonna say?”

“A lot, I’m sure..” Jane smirks. “I’m gonna pack up my stuff. Meet you downstairs?”

“Sure.” Wendy leans over for a brief kiss before heading out.

Jane starts gathering everything she needs to bring home for the weekend. Just as she’s about to stand up, her phone pings with a notification. She opens it.

_Maura Isles liked your relationship status._

Without warning, Jane feels her entire body seethe with rage. A week after she told Maura she’s in love with her, a week of wondering and worrying and radio silence, a full seven days of not knowing, and _this_ is how Maura breaks the silence. Jane throws down her bag much harder than was necessary. Her brain isn’t working properly through the fury, but she doesn’t care as she dials Maura’s phone number with angry fingertips.

It rings twice before it cuts straight to voicemail. Jane’s rendered almost speechless. Maura declined the call. After everything, after finally breaking the barrier, she declined the call. Her cheery, recorded voice encourages Jane to leave a message, but all the biting words Jane had for her have vanished from her brain. She hangs up and stuffs her phone back into her pocket.

_She declined my call_, she repeats to herself in her mind as she paces back and forth in her tiny office. _She really declined it. On purpose. She declined my call._ Jane’s about to tear her hair out from the sheer frustration of dealing with Maura. Before Jack, she was difficult when she was angry, but Jane could always count on her forgiveness because she had no one else to turn to when things got tough.

Being in second place is completely new to Jane. She never thought she’d be here, falling behind some stupid boy for Maura’s time and attention and love. She’s gotten so used to always being the most important person in Maura’s life.

“Fuck it,” Jane says out loud. She’s not that person anymore, which means Maura can’t be that for her, either. It’s time to get used to this new balance, with Jack and Wendy around and no room for the friendship they used to have. Hell, after the wedding, she’ll be lucky if Maura even wants to talk to her at all. She snatches up her bag and storms out, all the way down to the garage, where Wendy is waiting beside her car. “Hey, sorry I took so long,” she says, hoping her voice is neutral.

“Don’t worry about it. Ready for dinner?”

“Actually,” Jane murmurs. “Maybe you should just come over and spend the night. Maura’s not coming over this weekend, I can promise you that,” she adds with a sharp laugh.

Wendy leans against her car and crosses her arms. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

Jane smiles. She trails a hand down Wendy’s arm. “Yeah. I am.”

“My place is closer.”

“Let’s go.” Jane gets into Wendy’s car. As Wendy drives them towards her apartment, Jane looks out the window and tells herself she’s doing the right thing by trying to move on from Maura. With a couple of drinks, she might even believe it.


	15. so sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "So Sorry" by Feist

Maura drops her head into her hands, narrowly missing the corner of her laptop screen. “Jack, we’ve talked about this. I want our wedding to be traditional. And, traditionally, the menu options have been chicken, fish, and vegetarian.”

“That’s just too much food,” Jack says. His voice verges on shouting. “It’s unnecessary; we’ll have crazy amounts of waste.”

“But all of our guests will be satisfied.”

Jack shakes his head. “I can’t believe I’m wasting my time arguing about this.”

“Excuse me?” Maura stands up to look him directly in the eye. “Discussing our wedding is a waste of your time?”

“You know, Maura, ever since the engagement party it feels like you’re more concerned with our wedding than our marriage.” Jack sighs. “I gotta go get Allie. We’ll figure this out later.” He slams the door behind him when he leaves.

Maura sighs. She rubs circles on her temples in an attempt to calm herself down. People say all sorts of hurtful things when they’re upset, she reminds herself, and she can’t take Jack’s comment personally. She glances at her phone on the table beside her. There was a time when she would call Jane at a moment like this, and they would drink and laugh and everything would be okay.

It hasn’t been like that for a long time, but this week, not talking at all with such a heavy cloud hanging over them, it’s been especially disheartening. Maura chews on her bottom lip and wraps her arms around herself. She’s surprised Jane hasn’t called yet – she doesn’t like to leave things unsettled. Maura’s wanted to call a thousand times since last Saturday. What’s stopped her every time is the fact that she still hasn’t the faintest idea of what she wants to say to Jane.

Between her impending marriage and the hurt Jane caused by never talking to her about those old feelings, Maura knows she has every reason to never speak to her again. No one would blame her. Still, there’s a piece of her that got left behind when she left Jane’s apartment. Maybe it’s always been there; run off with Jane when she first left Boston, waiting for Maura to come back and claim it.

The dishwasher finishes its cycle, and the kitchen is suddenly eerily quiet. Maura forces her brain off of its train of thought. When she wakes her computer, it opens to Facebook. She sighs. She must have left it open after posting the engagement photos this morning. She’s about to close it when something catches her eye.

_Jane Rizzoli is in a relationship with Wendy Ashbury._

“Oh,” Maura says out loud to the empty room. So, it’s serious between them. She feels that door open again, the one containing all those Jane feelings she so carefully locked away, but she shoves them down.

Instead, she decides to be happy for Jane. She clicks the _Like_ button to prove it, then closes the window before she ends up wasting her entire evening on Facebook. She stands up, heading over to the wedding table to work on bridal shower decorations, when her phone starts to buzz on the table.

It’s Jane. Maura’s fingers tighten around the phone as she picks it up. She should answer it. Her thumb moves toward the _Accept_ button, but quickly flicks over to _Decline_ instead. She’s not ready. She’s not ready to have the talk that might end her relationship with either her best friend or her fiancé. She needs to live in the gray for just a little bit longer, to pretend it’s possible to keep everything just the same, before the rug is pulled out from under her.

Just this once, she wants to keep her feet steady on the ground. Just this once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise it'll get better guys, i still have 7 chapters left!! have faith!!


	16. work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Work" by Charlotte Day Wilson

By Tuesday, Jane still hasn’t heard a word from Maura, but there’s an envelope from her in the mailbox when she gets home from work. She laughs sharply and sits down to open it. “Bridal shower?” she says aloud as she reads through the invitation. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Nearly two weeks of noncommunication, and now this. And, of course, she’s expected to show up, as the maid of honor.

Jane stares at the cardstock as though she expects it to give her an explanation. It doesn’t. She stuffs it into her work bag instead, to show to Wendy tomorrow. Maybe she can at least convince her to come with. For now, the card is out of sight, and she needs a beer and to go to bed early.

The next day seems to go by at a snail’s pace. Her mind keeps running to the invitation sitting like a weight in her bag, dreading asking Wendy to come with her but at the same time excited to get it out of the way. She knows she can’t face it alone. Finally, the end of the day arrives, and Jane hurries over to Wendy’s office to catch her before she leaves. “Hey,” she says, leaning against the doorframe.

Wendy smiles. “Hey, you. I didn’t think I’d see you till Friday.” She stands up from her desk and greets Jane with a gentle kiss. “What’s up?”

“Look what I got in the mail yesterday.” Jane pulls the invitation out of her bag and hands it to Wendy. “Like, is she serious? She’s gonna ignore me for two weeks but still expect me to show up to this?”

“Maybe she wants to talk in person. I think that’s a good idea.” Wendy tilts her head as she reads the card. “I guess our plans this weekend will have to wait, huh?”

Jane sits down across the desk from Wendy. “Actually, I was hoping you’d come with me.” She smiles and takes the invitation back. “I’d really like to show you Boston. Plus… it would be nice to have someone there who doesn’t want to kill me.”

Wendy laughs. “So, I would just be there to be your buffer?”

“That’s only part of it!” Jane grabs Wendy’s hand on the desk. “Please?”

“Of course, babe,” Wendy says, still smiling wide.

Jane grins back at her. She lets go of her hand to run hers through her curls, releasing a heavy sigh. “What the hell is the difference between a bridal shower and an engagement shower?”

“She gets presents at the bridal shower.”

“Shit,” Jane snaps. “Now I have to get her a gift?”

“Oh, God, no way.” Wendy smirks. “You still being maid of honor after all the bullshit she’s putting you through is enough of a gift.”

Jane’s stomach flips. As angry as she’s been since the fight, hearing Wendy place all the blame on Maura doesn’t sit right with her. Maura’s not the only one at fault. She’s not the only one who fucked up. “Yeah,” she says quietly. She doesn’t know how to handle the ping-pong of emotions she’s been experiencing the past two weeks. Furious at one moment, devastated the next, overcome with nostalgia the next, back and forth, over and over, until she has whiplash.

September is ending, soon to give way to October, only ten weeks until the wedding. And Jane is wasting time waiting for Maura to call. Fuck it. She’s tried to give her space, but this is getting to be all too much. It’s time for Jane to do something about the situation. “Great,” she says out loud, glancing up to look Wendy in the eye. “I’ll call her tonight and let her know we’ll be there.”

“Think she’ll answer?” Wendy raises an eyebrow.

“Guess we’ll find out.”

Jane stands up to leave. “You’re the best. I’ll see you Friday.” With a quick kiss, she leaves Wendy’s office and heads down to her car.

The entire drive home, her mind is so occupied with Maura that she forgets to even turn on any music. Her mind is racing ahead to December 17th, imagining Maura in a white gown, walking towards a future Jane knows she doesn’t deserve. She has to do something. She has to try to make her see, even if it means losing her. She knows Maura deserves better.

Speeding down the freeway, Jane grabs her phone and dials Maura’s number. It rings. And it rings. And it rings. Finally, her voicemail picks up, and Jane sighs. She doesn’t know why she thought this time would be different. Still, she has to try. “Hey, it’s me,” she says to the voicemail box. “Just wanted to tell you that Wendy and I will be at your shower this weekend. And, uh, I’m looking forward to seeing you. Maybe we can talk while I’m in Boston. Um, okay, I’ll see you. I-” she cuts herself off before she can say _love you_. “I can’t wait,” she says instead.

Jane hangs up the phone and throws it onto the passenger seat. She almost regrets making the call, leaving the message. Almost. But, somehow, there’s a sense of peace settling into her chest. She’s taken the first step toward fixing whatever is the matter between them. The ball is in Maura’s court now.

The apartment is dark and quiet when she gets home, like it always is, but tonight it doesn’t feel foreboding or heavy. It feels okay. Jane sets down her bag and lets herself collapse on the couch. There’s a ballgame waiting on her DVR, cold beers in the fridge, and a whole evening to herself ahead of her. Strangely, she hasn’t felt this relaxed in a long time. Her phone buzzes next to her.

_I got your voicemail._

Jane’s breath trips over itself as she reads Maura’s text. She honestly didn’t expect to hear anything from her. Before she can decide whether to reply, another text comes in.

_Let’s talk. Let me know when you get into town._

Jane grins and sets her phone down. She doesn’t reply. It’s Maura’s turn to feel the tension of not knowing. Instead, she settles into the couch, lifts her beer to her lips, and turns on the TV. Everything else can wait until the weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of y’all watch crazy ex girlfriend i really wanted to use “you go first” as the song here but i’m not that much of an asshole alsldjskskd


	17. the way i loved you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift

Waking up in Boston always seems to bring a sense of peace to Jane’s body in a way her Virginia apartment never does. She rolls over to see Wendy still asleep beside her. Not wanting to wake her up, Jane slips out of bed and out into the hallway.

Tommy is already in the kitchen making coffee when she gets downstairs. “Mornin’,” he greets her with a grin. “How’d you guys sleep?”

“Great,” Jane yawns. She sits down at the counter. “Did you get a new mattress on that guest bed?”

“Yeah. I got a raise,” he says, pouring a second mug of coffee and sliding it across the counter to Jane. “You two are the first ones on it.”

Jane smiles. “It was very comfortable.” She pulls her phone out. She spent the whole drive trying to decide what to say to Maura, how to fix everything that’s gone down between them in one conversation. She still hasn’t come up with anything. Now the time has come, and she’s not backing down. She texts Maura.

_Lunch today?_

It’s amazing how two words can make her this terrified. She sips her coffee and tries to focus on what Tommy is saying.

“So, when did you start swinging the other way?”

Jane almost chokes on her coffee. “Seriously, Tommy?”

He laughs, unfazed by Jane’s reaction. “What?” He shrugs. “We were all really surprised.”

“Yeah, so was I.”

“I just thought if you were gonna smash clams it would be with Maura.” Tommy laughs to himself. “But, if Wendy is it for you, then I guess that’s cool, too.”

“Yeah,” Jane murmurs. She chews on the inside of her cheek. She didn’t realize she was that transparent. Her phone buzzes with a text from Maura, sending her stomach into somersaults.

_I’m swamped with party planning for the day. So sorry. I’ll see you tonight._

Jane feels her stomach drop. After all the buildup, it just seems unfair that their plans should fall apart like this. She sighs and tucks her phone away. She should have known better than to get her hopes up. “So, I’m suddenly free for lunch,” she says, hoping her voice sounds neutral. “We should all go out. You guys can get to know Wendy.”

Tommy nods. “Yeah, cool. Frankie and Nina, too?”

“Yeah. Let’s do it.”

* * *

In some miracle of everyone’s plans lining up, Jane’s crammed into a booth at the Dirty Robber just a few hours later, surrounded by her favorite people. Even Korsak took a break from managing to sit with them. As Jane glances around at all the faces around her, she can’t help but notice what’s missing. Or, more accurately, who. Maura isn’t next to her like she should be; Wendy has taken that spot.

Jane knows that’s exactly what she asked for. It’s what she wanted. Still, it feels a little strange to see Wendy in the place she and Maura practically lived in for years. It feels… wrong. Jane smiles as Wendy grabs her hand and squeezes it to emphasize whatever she’s saying. Jane hasn’t been listening. She stands up. “I’m gonna grab the next round.”

She doesn’t notice Frankie and Tommy following her to the bar until they’re sliding onto barstools on either side of her. She sighs. “Here to gossip?” she says with an icy edge.

Frankie clears his throat. “Tommy and I have been talking.”

“Oh, good, I was worried you two wouldn’t hit it off.”

“Have you talked to Maura?” Tommy asks.

Jane drops her head into her hands. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what we’re talking about,” Frankie says. “What are you doing with her?” He gestures back to the table, where Wendy is laughing hard at something Nina said.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Janie,” Frankie sighs. “I know you think you’re hard to read and all, but we’re your brothers. You can’t expect us to buy this act.”

Jane rubs her temples with her fingertips and tries to settle her stomach. “Is it really that obvious?” she says after a moment.

Tommy laughs. “Yeah, it kind of is.”

“Okay, well then give me your great suggestions of what to do about it, because I told her how I feel two weeks ago and now she’s blowing me off.”

“Ouch,” Frankie mutters. “Lemme guess, you told her in the middle of a fight?”

Jane stares down at the bar. Maybe her brothers do know her a little too well. “Yeah,” she says, barely audible.

“You’re such a Rizzoli,” Frankie laughs. “Well, she invited you tonight. Isn’t that kind of an olive branch or something?”

“I guess.” Wendy said the same thing, but Jane can’t bring herself to believe it. Call her crazy, but being ignored for two weeks tends to suggest otherwise. “Listen, you guys have seen her a lot more than I have lately. Do you think she’s really happy?”

Tommy folds his hands on the bar counter. “You know her better than anyone, Janie. I think you’re the only one who can figure that out.”

* * *

Before Jane left Boston, Maura gave her a long silver necklace with a deep blue stone. She said it was Agate, a symbol of courage and strength. Never one for jewelry, Jane tossed it onto her dresser and forgot about it. She’s staring at that necklace now, in Tommy’s hand, unsure of what to say.

“TJ found it,” he explains. “I figured you must have left it here.”

“Uh, yeah.” Jane hesitantly takes the necklace and holds it to her chest. It’s cold. “Thanks.”

“You could wear it tonight.” Tommy grins. “It matches your dress.”

Jane squints at him, unsure if she heard him correctly. “It matches my – never mind.” She nods. Maybe she should wear it. Show Maura she still remembers the good days. Before everything got so messed up. She turns and goes back upstairs to start getting ready, somehow managing to forget Wendy is in the guest room waiting for her. She jumps when she sees her. “Hey,” she says with a shaky laugh.

“Hey.” Wendy stands up and walks over to wrap her arms around Jane’s waist. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just nervous about tonight, I guess.” Jane goes to her suitcase and pulls out her dress, plain black and actually long enough to cover what needs to be covered. It’s hard being tall sometimes.

“She’s gotta be over it by now.” Wendy smiles. “I mean, I know it had to be weird for her, but how long can she really be mad about you knowing about some ancient crush?”

Jane winces. She’s not sure how much longer she can keep up this lie. Maybe it could have gone on longer in Virginia, but here in Boston, she can’t hide from the people that know her best. She silently puts on her dress and smooths it over her stomach. “Hey, can you zip me?” she asks Wendy.

Wendy rests a hand on Jane’s hip as she drags the zipper up her back. She brushes Jane’s hair over her shoulder and presses a kiss to her neck. “You look gorgeous,” she murmurs.

“Can you put this on me, too?” Jane hands Wendy the necklace with a pounding heart. She tries not to focus on the fact that it’s Wendy’s hands clasping Maura’s necklace around her neck, but it’s all she can think about. The stone settles in the deep V-cut of her dress, cold against her skin. She smiles. It comes out as more of a grimace. “Let’s do this.”


	18. all love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "All Love" by Fletcher
> 
> if y'all really want the full effect of the angstiness of this chapter please listen to the song (also it's just a great fucking song you won't regret it)

One of the things Maura learned at prep school was how to make a grand entrance at any event. The most important thing to remember is to keep good posture, make eye contact, and maintain a winning smile. Of course, Jane has always been good at breaking the rules.

She walks in hand-in-hand with Wendy, eyes to the floor and a shaky-at-best smile on her face, and Maura finds herself unable to tear her eyes away. She tightens her grip on Jack’s arm. There’s something flooding her brain that she can’t quite place, but she’s got some pretty solid theories. It was hard enough keeping her old feelings at bay when Jane was seven hours away. Now, standing in Maura’s living room as they so often did, they’re suddenly impossible to contain.

Jack doesn’t seem to notice Maura staring. She watches Jane and Wendy make their way to the couch, hands locked tightly together, Jane glancing everywhere but at where Maura stands. Maura stamps down the urge to go sit beside them. Yes, they need to talk, but her bridal shower is hardly the time nor place.

“Congratulations,” someone says, forcing her to look away from Jane. It’s Nina, followed closely by Frankie.

Maura smiles. “Thank you.” She glances over at Jack as he shakes Frankie’s hand, then back to Jane and Wendy on the couch. She tries to picture a future where Jane and Wendy are throwing their own bridal shower. She pictures herself walking in on Jack’s arm, watching the two of them attached at the hip, ready to spend their lives together.

Maybe she shouldn’t be so surprised that the image makes her skin crawl. Everything about it feels absolutely wrong. However, the image that forces its way into her mind, the one of herself and Jane hand-in-hand walking into a party, feels absolutely right. She raises her hand to her lips and looks back over toward Jane, expecting to look at the back of her head.

Instead, she finds herself meeting wide brown eyes. She’s nearly knocked off her feet. Jane holds her gaze and doesn’t let her break free, no matter how she wills herself to look away. Maura pulls her hand out of Jack’s arm and starts to walk over, unsure of what she wants to say, but desperate to break the silence that’s settled over them.

She stops short when she watches Jane turn back to face Wendy and accept a kiss on the cheek. Maura’s chest tightens. No, now is not the time for them to say everything that needs to be said, she knows that. But, as she glances back at Jack, she has a deep sinking feeling that she’s made the wrong choice.

She’s not sure if she’ll be able to fix it, to make the right choice, to choose Jane like she should have two weeks ago, a year ago, five years ago. But she can’t keep living with the wrong choice.

Jane looks back at her again and bites her lower lip. Her face is completely unreadable. Maura holds her gaze. She focuses on the way her body feels lighter, softer, gentler with every second she does. Silently, without hesitation, she makes a choice.

And this time, she knows it’s the right one.


	19. a case of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell

Jane hasn’t sat on Maura’s living room couch in nearly a year. It’s just as she remembers it, soft and comfortable with the same green and white pillows she always used to fall asleep on after long nights of drinking and laughing. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend it’s a year ago, and they’re all here for just another dinner, and Jane never left Boston and everything is okay again.

But then she opens her eyes and sees that it’s Wendy beside her, not Maura. And everything isn’t okay. Jane looks behind her at Maura, clinging to Jack’s arm and her glass of champagne like they’re her only lifelines, and then suddenly her head turns and their eyes connect like magnets and Jane can’t look away. She carefully takes in every tic and wrinkle in Maura’s face, slowly realizing that Maura is just as terrified as she is.

“Babe?” Wendy says, nudging Jane’s arm. “What’s up?”

Jane tears her eyes away from Maura to look back at Wendy. “Huh?”

“You’re a little out of it,” Wendy says with a squeeze of her hand. “Nervous about Maura, still?”

“Yeah.” Jane shifts her weight on the couch to sit closer to her, smiling hesitantly as Wendy presses a kiss to her cheek. “Thanks for coming with me,” she says softly. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Wendy grins. “Of course.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Jane sees Frankie gesturing wildly to her. She rolls her eyes. Motioning back for him to shut up, she turns back around to look at Maura again. She absently slips her lower lip between her teeth in some attempt to trap the words threatening to spill out of her. Who knows what would come out if she let it. Instead, she just holds her gaze, watching Maura’s eyes flicker and dance with a million different emotions. Maybe she should-

“Jane.” Wendy’s voice has lost the mirth it possessed a second ago. “What is going on with you?”

“What are you talking about?” Jane doesn’t turn around.

Wendy lets out a frustrated sigh. “Come on.” She grabs Jane’s hand and pulls her out into the courtyard between the main house and the guest house. Out of sight from Maura, Jane’s head clears somewhat and she takes in Wendy’s sharp, set jaw and furrowed brows. “I get you’re upset your friend is mad at you, but there’s clearly something else going on here.”

Jane’s entire body seems to vibrate with nervousness as she shifts her weight back and forth between her feet. “What do you mean?”

“Am I wrong in thinking that Maura’s crush maybe didn’t go away?”

“I… don’t know.” It’s not really lying, Jane tells herself. She doesn’t know. Though, she has her guesses, of course.

“And what about you?” Wendy crosses her arms. “Am I really here because you want me here, or are you trying to prove something to her?”

Jane rubs the back of her neck, staring at the ground to avoid seeing Wendy’s face. “I don’t know.” She chews on her lower lip. Her boot scuffs on the ground a few times. Out of nowhere, a sharp laugh escapes her lips before she can stop it. “Things are kind of fucked up right now.”

Wendy sighs. She pulls Jane closer by the shoulder. “Look, if you guys have something going on between you that’s bigger than us, I’d really love if you could just be honest with me about it. I have better things to do than be a pawn to make someone jealous.”

“That’s not what I meant to do,” Jane says quickly. “I mean, I really do like you. I like being with you. I just…”

“You love her.” Wendy nods. “I get it. It sucks that you couldn’t figure that out before I came all the way to Boston with you, but I’ll be fine.”

Jane finally looks her in the eye for the first time since they arrived at the party. “I’m so sorry.”

“Look, we dated for less than a month. It’s not like I was planning us a wedding or anything.” Wendy shrugs. “Just give me a week or so to hate you and then we can go back to normal. Friends.”

Jane laughs out loud, followed by a sigh of relief. “Deal.” Her body suddenly feels so much lighter, not carrying around the burden of lying to herself and everyone around her. She rocks back on her heels. “So, what do we do now?”

“We go back into the party.” Wendy smiles softly and grabs Jane’s hand. “You talk to Maura, and we don’t tell anyone we’re broken up until tomorrow.”

“How come?”

“Brides don’t like it when you steal their thunder.” Wendy grins. “Come on.” As she leads Jane back inside, Jane’s mind is racing. Suddenly, everything is different. She’s single again, and she knows what she saw in Maura’s eyes before; she’s not blind. For the first time, things seem possible that never have before.

Maura is on the couch now, talking to Nina animatedly, but she turns to look when she hears the door close. Her eyes do the same thing as they did before. Wide, round, and burning questions and longing and a touch of anger. It ends as quickly as it started though, as Maura breaks eye contact to return to her conversation with Nina.

Jane slips her arms around herself as Wendy leaves to go get a drink. Maybe she’s wrong about this whole thing, and she doesn’t have a chance in hell with Maura. She watches as delicate hands lift a glass of champagne to pink lips, draining it in one go. Jane frowns. She thinks that’s the third glass she’s seen Maura finish in less than an hour.

Maura stands up from the couch, and Jane hears her say something about going upstairs to get something. She walks past where Jane still stands beside the door. Jane catches a whiff of her perfume, and her mind suddenly can’t focus on anything else. She feels herself leaning forward to try to smell it even more. Part of her hates how she melts when Maura’s around, but part of her loves that Maura is the one that makes her feel like a little girl.

Finally, she understands what everyone always talks about when they talk about love. She understands what it means to feel “butterflies” in her stomach, she understands the jelly legs, the buzzing in her head that makes her feel drunk just being close to Maura. Then, too late, the realization hits her, that Maura is going upstairs, to her bedroom, alone. Now is Jane’s best chance to finally get Maura to talk to her.

Jane wrings her hands in front of her. She can hear Maura’s voice in her head telling her it’s a nervous habit, but she doesn’t make any effort to stop. Slowly, on quivering legs, she takes a few steps toward the staircase, following the path Maura set for her, every part of her screaming for a connection with her. She’s been starving for it for two weeks. Maybe even longer. Maybe for the past year.

It’s hard to tell.

Maura’s bedroom door is mostly closed, but there’s just a little crack between the doorjam. Jane chews on the inside of her cheek as she gently lifts her hand to knock. Just as her knuckles meet the wood, the door is pulled back, and suddenly Maura is just inches away, close enough for Jane to feel her breath on her face. It smells like champagne.

“What are you doing?” Maura says, all breathy and soft and timid.

Jane feels a rush of fury. As if it isn’t obvious what she’s doing knocking on Maura’s door. As if Maura hasn’t spent weeks dodging this exact moment. As if she can still avoid it somehow. Jane balls her hands into tight fists. “We need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fic is completed and chillin in my docs folder, update frequency is wholly contingent on how nice you guys are in the comments ((i'm totally kidding i'll update when i feel like it)) ((nice comments never hurt tho))


	20. afterglow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Afterglow" by Taylor Swift

_“What are you doing?” Maura says, all breathy and soft and timid._

_Jane feels a rush of fury. As if it isn’t obvious what she’s doing knocking on Maura’s door. As if Maura hasn’t spent weeks dodging this exact moment. As if she can still avoid it somehow. Jane balls her hands into tight fists. “We need to talk.”_

Jane doesn’t wait for an answer, pushing past Maura into the bedroom and sitting down on Maura’s bed. She stares at Maura’s back. “Are you gonna sit down or do you want to have this conversation in the doorway?” Jane snaps.

Maura’s back tenses. She pauses for a moment, then slowly closes the door and turns around. Her jaw is locked in place and hazel eyes are suddenly devoid of all the warmth they held just a few minutes ago. Now they’re steely and cold. Maura stiffly walks over and sits down beside Jane. “This really isn’t the time or place.”

“Well, you could have picked any other time or place in the last two weeks. I’m not waiting anymore.” Jane shifts to face Maura more directly. “Why have you been blowing me off?”

The muscles in Maura’s neck are visible beneath her skin as she tenses and untenses. For a second, Jane wonders what those muscles are called. Maura would have told her, in any other context. “I didn’t know how I felt,” Maura says after a long silence. “And I didn’t want to leave you with more uncertainty.”

“What about now?”

Maura stares into her lap. “I think I know how I feel.” She brings her fingers to her lips, muffling her words as she continues. “But that’s not the only factor in a decision like this.”

Jane frowns. “Huh?”

“I’m supposed to get married in nine weeks, Jane. I have a future laid out for myself.” She sighs heavily. “If I walk away from all of that, I have to make sure it’s the right choice. I have to address this with nuance.”

Jane can’t stop the laugh that falls out of her mouth. “_If _you walk away?” Are you serious?”

“What do you mean?”

“Maura, every time I’ve had a conversation with Jack I feel like I’m talking to drywall.” Jane reaches over and slides a hand underneath Maura’s chin, lifting her face to meet her eyes. “You’re telling me _that’s_ how you want to spend the rest of your life? Constantly having to settle for someone you know you’re too good for?”

“You shouldn’t end your sentences with prepositions,” Maura whispers. Her eyes keep flicking to Jane’s lips, like she thinks Jane won’t notice.

Jane notices. “You shouldn’t be so critical of people when you’re nervous.” She drags her thumb across Maura’s jawline, slowly drinking in the image of Maura’s face so close to hers. “Why are you so nervous?” she murmurs. “It’s just me.”

“Exactly,” Maura breathes. She’s barely audible now. “It’s you.” She pulls herself out of Jane’s touch, breaking the force that held them so close. “You know, you could have called me yourself.”

Jane leans back and shakes her head. “I tried. Twice, remember? You didn’t answer.”

“Oh. Right.” Maura turns her eyes back to her lap. “I’m sorry.”

Jane releases a heavy sigh. “No, I’m sorry.” She rubs absentmindedly at the scars on her palms. “I shouldn’t have ambushed you like I did.”

Maura looks up at her, a confused expression on her face. “You think that’s why I’ve been so upset with you?”

“It’s… not?”

“I-” Maura breaks off and drops her head into her hands. “I’ve been angry with you for a long time, I think.”

Jane leans closer and takes both of Maura’s hands in her own, forcing Maura to look her in the eye again. “For what?”

“For leaving.” Something seems to break, then. Maura lets a few tears slip from her eyes. Still, she doesn’t look away, holding Jane’s gaze with her own. “We had so much fun in Paris, and then suddenly, you were just… gone. I didn’t know how to handle being alone.”

“Maura, you’re not alone. You’ve got Frankie and Nina and Tommy and-”

“No, I don’t.” Maura sniffs. “Not without you here.”

Jane searches within her for her anger. It’s the only way to protect herself. But, no matter how deep she looks, she can’t find it. She slowly reaches up to brush away a few tears from Maura’s face. “I’m sorry,” she says softly, cursing her voice for breaking as she does. “I didn’t mean to leave you behind.”

Maura wipes at her own eyes, sniffling again. “Then why did you?”

“Because I’m an idiot.” Jane laughs. “I got insecure. You had your book, and Jack, and I just kinda felt like dead weight.” She shrugs. “I know it was dumb-”

“Yes, it was.” Maura smiles despite the tears still falling down her face. “It just surprised me. Maybe I took it too much to heart.”

“Maura,” Jane whispers. She doesn’t have anything else to say. She just likes the feel of Maura’s name on her lips. She watches Maura’s eyes flick downward again, and suddenly she can’t stop herself. She leans forward and captures soft pink lips in a kiss that feels like she’s died and gone to heaven.

Maura’s hands fly to Jane’s face and tangle in her hair, and Jane can’t get enough of this feeling. She slips a hand to Maura’s back, tries to pull her closer, but suddenly, Maura’s pulling away and Jane’s lips feel empty. Naked.

Maura’s hand covers her own lips, her eyes flicking downward to avoid eye contact. “I…”

“It’s okay,” Jane says. She stands up and wipes her hands, suddenly very sweaty, on her dress. “I’m gonna go back to Virginia tonight.”

“Jane, you don’t have to go.”

“You need time to figure everything out.” Jane smiles. It’s killing her of course, but if she’s learning anything here, it’s that getting angry only makes everything harder. She has to have faith that Maura will come find her when she’s ready. That doesn’t mean the waiting won’t kill her, though. She goes to the door and rests her hand on the knob, turning back and clearing her throat. “Call me if I still have a chance.” She leaves the bedroom and closes the door behind her.

Downstairs, Jane finds Wendy nursing a glass of champagne in the corner. She walks up to her with a smile. “I’m headed back to Virginia in five minutes. You coming?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all are breathing a collective sigh of relief rn - i told you i would fix it!!!!! :)


	21. love in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Love in the Dark" by Adele

As Maura closes the door behind the last guest out, Jack heaves a sigh of relief from behind her. “Finally, a moment alone,” he says, coming over to pull her in close.

Maura’s head is spinning. In the last few hours, everything she knows has been flipped on its head, and now she has to break a heart on top of it all. Two hearts. She knows Allie won’t understand what’s happening. She allows herself to sink into Jack’s arms, knowing it’s the last time, knowing she can’t ever come back to this after she tells him the truth. Not for the first time, she wishes things were different. She wishes she could conjure the same feelings for Jack as she feels for Jane. Everything would be easier that way.

But she can’t. And she can’t keep lying. Calling off a wedding ten weeks before the event is not only cruel, it’s tacky. But she supposes it’s better than being the runaway bride leaving the poor groom at the altar, humiliated and alone. She bites her lower lip. “Jack, can we talk?” she murmurs.

He frowns. “Is everything okay?”

“Let’s go upstairs.” Maura leads Jack up to the bedroom, the same spot where just hours before, she was locked in a kiss with Jane. Her stomach lurches. It’s too late to turn back, so she pushes forward. “Jane and I talked earlier tonight.”

“Yeah, I thought I saw you guys come up here.” Jack grabs Maura’s hands, but she pulls them away and folds them in her lap. “Maura, what’s going on?”

“You remember when I was in Virginia two weeks ago?”

“Yes.”

And then, suddenly, Maura can’t stop the waterfall of words falling out of her mouth. She tells Jack everything – about their fight and Jane’s confession, the last two weeks of agony and not knowing, she even tells him about the kiss. She manages to stop herself from divulging the details.

Jack strokes his temples. His face crumples into something even Maura can’t pull apart and categorize. “So, at _our_ party, celebrating _our_ marriage, you were…” he covers his face with his hands. “Fuck,” he says, muffled by his fingers.

“I’m so sorry, Jack,” Maura whispers. “I really… _really_ wanted this to work.”

“Are you sure we can’t make it work?” Jack draws his hands away from his face and turns to her with pleading eyes. “I mean, I can forgive you for the kiss.”

Maura shakes her head. “I can’t be with you when I love someone else.”

“You love her?”

“I do,” Maura says softly. “More than anything.”

Jack sighs. “I guess I’ll talk to Allie tomorrow, then. We’ll start packing.” He stands up to move toward the door.

Maura reaches for his arm, but he pushes her hand away.

“Don’t,” he says, so quietly Maura’s not sure she didn’t imagine it. He closes the door behind him too hard.

And then Maura’s alone. She hasn’t been alone in a long time. She almost forgot how lonely it really is. She’s not sure how she should feel right now; on one hand, her heart breaks for Jack and Allie and the pain she’s caused them, but, on the other, she’s finally free to kiss Jane again and again and again. Her mind has been replaying that kiss all night.

Maura looks around the room. She should call Jane, although probably not until morning, since she must still be on the road by now. She thinks of everything that needs to be done, people that must be notified of the canceled wedding, conversations with Jack and Allie, both her mothers to answer to, the list goes on. It’s overwhelming. She can’t jump straight into anything with Jane until it’s all taken care of. It’s not fair to either of them, opening a new chapter when the previous one hasn’t been fully closed.

And, frankly, Maura’s not sure how to explain that over the phone. Or, at all, with Jane’s constant biting remarks cutting in. Maura smiles to herself. She loves Jane, yes, but God the woman is difficult to communicate with.

She walks over to her writing desk in the corner of the room, dusty and unused since Jack moved in. Lucky for her, there’s still pens and paper in the drawers. She lays out a sheet of paper and, with tired eyes and a barely steady hand, starts composing the letter that will decide whether her future includes Jane or not.


	22. this love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "This Love" by Taylor Swift

A few days go by without hearing from Maura. Jane goes to work, teaches her classes, and comes home to her empty apartment. It’s almost like it was before… everything. It takes an outrageous amount of restraint not to call Maura, beg her to leave everything and come be with her, ride off into the sunset together. But, Jane keeps remind herself, she’s doing it right this time. She’s letting Maura come to her.

On Wednesday, there’s a letter from Maura in her mailbox. Half expecting it to be an invitation to some other ridiculous wedding party, Jane is surprised to find just a few pages of Maura’s delicate handwriting inside the envelope. She settles onto the couch with the letter and a beer to read it.

_Dear Jane,_

_We’ve cracked open a can of fruit flies. I know the phrase is “can of worms”, but worms are actually relatively harmless. Fruit flies, on the other hand, are an invasive species from Asia that causes significant damage to crops and native wildlife. I feel that is much more accurate of a metaphor for our situation._

_I’m writing this on the evening of the bridal shower. I spoke to Jack and told him everything. He and Allie will start packing their things tomorrow. He seems quite upset. I’m not quite sure what comes after this, if I’m being honest. I’ll have to let everyone know that the wedding is off. Cancel the caterer, the florist, and all the other services we hired. I’m sure my mother and Hope will have a lot to say about it all._

_I’m writing to let you know that things are in motion. It might take a while before the dust settles, and I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you. I want to be with you, Jane. I plan to be with you. But I don’t believe it’s fair to start something new with you when things aren’t fully finished between Jack and me. I hope you’re okay with all of this. I love you._

_Love,_

_Maura_

_P.S. I really love that you wore the necklace I gave you tonight. I didn’t say anything, but I noticed. _

Jane sets the letter down on the coffee table. There’s a lot of thoughts racing through her head, but the one she keeps landing on is that last line. _I love you_. She feels a grin form on her face. Maura loves her. She _loves_ her. And now, there’s no ambiguity in how she means it, what their future is going to be. All it takes now is waiting for Maura to settle things with Jack.

Waiting sucks, there’s no doubt about that. Jane knows she’s ridiculously impatient. But Maura is one thing in life that is undoubtedly worth waiting for, and she has to keep focusing on that.

Jane goes to her bedroom, grabs the stack of photos that are still on her nightstand, ones she never got around to hanging up because she wasted her time on anger. She picks one up that she remembers, and sometimes wishes she didn’t.

_It’s Jane’s going-away party, at Maura’s house, of course. Everything is at Maura’s house. The sky is starting to turn orange outside, and Angela hurries everyone outside to take photos before it gets dark._

_The last one she takes is of Jane and Maura. The two of them pull each other close in Maura’s front yard, fresh off their trip to Paris and chasing the closeness they shared for the past month. Maura squeezes Jane’s waist extra tight and stands up on her toes to whisper in her ear. “Are we going to be okay?” she says, her voice small and timid, almost like a little girl’s._

_Jane turns to look at wide hazel eyes, a bottom lip just slightly quivering. She slides a hand beneath Maura’s jaw. “Hey. We’re gonna be fine, okay?” She smiles and brushes a few strokes across Maura’s cheek. “Nothing could keep us apart.”_

_That’s when the flash goes off, and Jane whips her head around to glare at Angela. “Really, Ma? We weren’t ready!”_

_“Oh, but it was such a sweet moment,” Angela says, running over to show them the picture._

_She’s right. Maura gazing up at Jane, Jane holding her tight, the setting sun painting the sky behind them, it truly is a gorgeous photo. It almost makes Jane tear up. _Almost_._

_“I’ll delete it if you want me to,” Angela sighs, finger moving toward the delete button._

_“No, keep it,” Jane says. “You’re right. It’s a sweet moment.” She then realizes she’s still holding Maura’s waist. She squeezes it a little tighter. “Now come on, let’s take the real picture.”_

Jane rubs at her eyes as a few tears start spilling over. She grabs the rest of the stack of photos. She’s been here a year, and it’s time to make this apartment feel like home.

Every space of blank wall gets a photo. All over the living room, the kitchen, her bedroom. It’s almost frenzy-like, the way she’s running around her apartment, taping up photos of her and Maura, not caring if they’re crooked or bent or imperfect. The fact that Maura is in them makes them perfect anyway.

By the time Jane’s done putting up photos, it’s dark outside, but she’s satisfied with the way her apartment looks. A huge, weird, messy, cobbled-together collage of her favorite moments with her favorite person. The person she _loves_. Jane grins and sits back down on the couch. Her little Virginia apartment has never felt like home. Home, she realizes now, is wherever Maura is.

Now, seeing all the little Mauras plastered all over her walls, it just makes her that much more excited to reunite with the real thing. To go home for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one chapter left........ what's gonna happen folks


	23. take these things to heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood: "Take These Things to Heart" by Kyler England (thanks to @socks-lost for the song rec!!)

Days go by, and weeks, and soon October fades into a crisp November. Still no word from Maura. Jane’s starting to get nervous, but she’s stuck to her word, and hasn’t called. She has to let Maura make the first move. She has to let Maura come to her when she’s ready.

Jane and Wendy still go out for drinks on Fridays, usually now with a few more of their coworkers as Jane has gotten to know them better. She finds she’s actually sort of starting to enjoy her life here, now that she’s allowed herself to actually live it. They’re all out for drinks one night, Wendy and Melanie and the others, when Jane’s phone starts buzzing with a call that makes her stomach flips.

“Hey,” she says as she answers the call, unable to stop the smile on her face.

Wendy raises her eyebrows. “Maura?”

Jane nods. She gets up from the table and hurries over to a quieter part of the bar. “Hey, sorry, I’m out somewhere loud.”

“It’s okay,” Maura says. There’s a smile in her voice. “Where are you?”

“The bar with some coworkers. But I can leave. I’ll go home, we can Skype or something.”

“Oh, Jane, you don’t have to-”

“I’ll call you back when I get home. Don’t worry about it.” Jane hangs up the phone before Maura can protest. This is a conversation that deserves to be had face-to-face, even if it’s pixelated and freezes every few minutes. She drives home at speeds her car protests, but still she presses on. She practically runs up the stairs. Pulling her keys out of her pocket as she rounds the corner, she stops short at what’s waiting for her.

Maura smiles. She stands up. “Hi.”

Jane’s sure she looks like some idiot species of goldfish, the way her mouth keeps opening and closing, thinking she has something to say and forgetting the concept of words again. “I – you – you’re here,” she sputters out.

“I’m here.”

Jane takes a few steps forward until she’s close enough to Maura to be able to touch her. God, she wants to touch her. “Not that I don’t love that you’re here, but… why are you here?”

Maura shrugs. “I figured this would be better done in person.” She sighs. “Plus, the last few weeks have been pretty overwhelming, and my house is big and empty and weird now, and-”

“Maur,” Jane cuts her off. “Breathe.”

“Right.” Maura takes a few deep breaths. “I wanted to get away.”

“I’m really, _really_ glad you’re here.” Jane grins. “Can I hug you?”

Maura laughs. “Of course you can.”

Jane didn’t know how much she missed hugging Maura until Maura’s back in her arms, and she realizes it’s been over a year since they’ve held each other like this. Not since that photo in Maura’s front yard. “I missed you so much,” she whispers into honey-blonde hair. It smells like vanilla and home.

“I missed _you_.” When finally, they separate, Maura’s eyes are tinged red. “I was surprised you didn’t call.”

“I wanted to give you space.” Jane kicks her shoe on the floor a few times and shoves her hands into her pockets. “I wanted to do it right this time. Make sure you were ready.”

“I’m ready.” Maura squares her shoulders and looks directly up into Jane’s eyes. There’s no hesitation in her face, no uncertainty in her eyes.

Jane grins. Unable to find the words to describe what she’s feeling, she steps forward and pulls Maura into a deep kiss. Her hands go to Maura’s waist to pull her even closer, and Maura’s hands circle around the back of her neck, and even when every possible inch of their bodies are touching, it’s still not enough. They need to be closer.

There’s no hesitation in this kiss. No regret, no question of whether this will mean anything when they break away. There’s only a sense of need, and love, and a thirst Jane senses will never be fully quenched. She’s buzzing, practically shaking with excitement, as her hands slip under Maura’s shirt to find smooth, warm skin.

Maura breaks the kiss too soon, both of them breathing hard, her eyes wide and dark with desire. “Maybe we should go inside.”

Jane laughs. “Good idea. Are you staying for the weekend?”

“If that’s okay.”

“It’s better than okay.” Jane grins and opens the apartment door, leading Maura inside with a squeeze of her hand.

Maura smiles as she looks around the living room. “You decorated,” she says with amusement, tracing her finger over a few of the photos.

“Like I said. I missed you.”

Maura slips her arms around Jane’s waist and pulls her closer, still glancing around at each of the pictures on the wall. “I like them.”

“Me, too.” Jane smiles and squeezes her close. The apartment is little. It’s old, it’s rickety, and it’s far away from everyone she loves. But, with Maura here at her side, it finally feels a little bit like home. Now that she’s realized she can take her home with her anywhere, she can’t wait to see what their next adventure is. “Hey,” she says softly, turning to place a gentle kiss on Maura’s head.

“What?”

“You’re really amazing for coming all the way down here.”

Maura rests her head on Jane’s shoulder. “It’s because I love you.”

“You what?” Jane smirks.

“You heard me,” Maura says, gently smacking Jane’s arm.

“Yeah, I did. I just like hearing you say it.”

“You’ll get sick of it after a while.”

“Nah. I don’t think I will.”

“You know, studies have shown-”

“Maur,” Jane cuts her off, pressing another kiss into her hair. “You’ve got the rest of our lives to explain to me whatever you’re about to explain. Just let me have this.”

Maura leans closer into Jane’s side. “You’re lucky I love you.”

Jane smiles. “Yeah. I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well........ that's the end, folks. i hope you're not *too* mad at me for how long it took to get here. thanks for being along for the ride, and thank you all so much for all the love in the comments and on tumblr. i FELT that.
> 
> i'm disappearing off ao3 during november to do nanowrimo (you can check that out [here](https://www.nanowrimo.org/participants/ellacj) if you're interested), but i left the door open for the story to continue here, if y'all would want that. i might try to tackle that in december if there's interest.
> 
> as always, i love y'all a ton, and thank you so much for giving me a reason to write. see you next time!!!


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